Dear Alma, When I’m on the road, I think my partner plays away…

From our agony aunt’s mailbag:

Dear Alma,

I am a touring musician, spending approximately 2/3 of the year on the road. I have a partner and two children from a previous marriage who live in my city. My problem is this. I have always suffered from severe highs and lows, which I believe are brought about by my touring schedule. While away from home, I am like an electric wire, between performances, travel, social events and yes, regular dalliances with people I meet during my travels. It’s nearly unavoidable and something that helps stave off my understandable loneliness. When I come home, my partner and I are often awkward around one another, and it is nearly impossible for me to find time to see my children. I am as lonely at home as I am when I am away. After about one day at home, which feels cold and uncomfortable, I often go into a deep blue period. I am afraid that my partner will leave me. She has glimpsed some questionable texts pop up and I think she knows that I am unfaithful while away. I think she is unfaithful too. If I lose her I don’t know what I will do. I feel unhinged and like my life is worthless and meaningless. Shallow and unimportant. She is the only thing that ties me to this world. 

Desperate for Meaning 

Dear Desperate for Meaning,

I am glad that you wrote in, and not a moment to spare. You are indeed at a desperate point. We can almost feel your breathlessness, you’re grasping for a meaning to your life.

Is there someone you can talk to?

Immediately? Not your partner, but perhaps a friend, family member or a therapist? I urge you to reach out to someone, as soon as you read this message.

You may feel alone, but you are not. Many musicians have these feelings. Life on the road is difficult and maintaining relationships and a steady, calm pace is almost impossible.  Between nutrition, physical health, regular sleep, and steady, deep relationships, a life on the road will throw a wrench in the works of nearly any part of a good, solid life.

Dear Desperate,

If you can, please talk to your partner about your fears and feelings. Go see your children. Take a sick leave from your next tour, and consider making permanent changes to your work life. I know it’s scary to cancel a performance or tour, and we are conditioned into thinking it will ruin our careers. But, Desperate, your career is ruining YOU!

It’s time to make a change. You matter. You are loved. You will find the way. Reach out and let others help you. You are not alone.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com