Dear Alma, Snubbed violin teacher is killing my kid’s career

From our agony aunt:

Dear Alma,

My daughter is in her final year of high school, is a terrific violinist, and has assumed a musical leadership role in our city. We have one opportunity in our city for young people to play a concerto with an orchestra, which is a competition. She has consistently gotten into the final round, and this being her last year, threw everything into this year. She received a perfect score from the judges, played with precision and verve, and she was happy and proud. There is a local violin teacher who somehow has a lot of influence and he went to talk to the judges. He pushed for one of his students, and that person won. He somehow had them override the results. It’s completely unfair. He has asked many times over the last 2 years to teach our kids but I know he is not a good teacher and so I gently turn him down. Now my daughter is devastated. Thousands of hours of work. I am so angry and want to confront that teacher and make a formal complaint to the competition.

What do you advise, Alma? We are all so very upset. Is there any other place to play a concerto? This was her last chance. We are crushed. We live in the SE part of the United States.

Crushed Mother

Dear Crushed Mother,

There is nothing more terrible than seeing your child in pain. There is no easy solution here, no quick fix. But there are ways of moving forward, in a healthy way. This is a pivotal moment in your daughter’s life, and your life. Strive to make this memory as pleasant as possible, without regrets.

Talk about it with her. Let her express her frustrations and sadness. Share with her some of your own experiences where you were passed over for an opportunity, and how you coped with it.

Crushed Mother, I would not complain or confront the competition. Remember – the people she meets in competitions and auditions will be the people she knows her whole life – whether the judges, the other performers, or the accompanists. The award will be short-lived, but those other relationships can give back to her for her whole life – future jobs, contacts, recommendation, collaborators. Be kind and humble, gracious, and congratulate the winners with honesty.

The most successful people have lost more times than anyone. It is what you take away from it which will make your stronger and more resilient.

She will have a chance to play with an orchestra. Perhaps the SD readers will suggest competitions or opportunities she can participate in. Contact local adult amateur orchestras or set up a solo recital in your local library.

Next step

Make a list of things you gained by going through this experience.
Every opportunity should lead to 3 more opportunities. A concert opportunity, new teacher or friend, other competitions or opportunities (camps, workshops, etc).
Prepare for the next competition.
Learn from your opponents.

Family perspective

Help your child approach competitions in a healthy way.
Talk to them during the prep period, the day of, and post-competition period.
Plan a fun activity or reward for after the competition.
Reward the growth, not the results (which are beyond our control).

It is a painful time for you both, but also an opportunity to grow together and to learn how to cope with loss. If she learns resilience and self-worth through this experience, it far outweighs a moment in the spotlight. It will mean a lifetime in the spotlight.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com