Dear Alma, My stand partner is losing it…
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I have been in the same chamber orchestra for 34 years. My stand partner, who has been in even longer, and who is an absolute gem of a person, has been declining in ability for the past several years. At this point, it is even difficult to play next to her. We all like her tremendously and try to shield her from criticism, but I don’t know how much longer we can cover for her. I am torn because I both want to help her and at the same time, she is harming the section and orchestra. She comes from a wealthy family and they happily support our group financially.
Should I Say Something?
Dear Should I Say Something,
I wouldn’t say anything. You won’t be able to live with yourself if you do. This situation will resolve itself without your input, in due time. Her membership means much more to the organization than how crisp her eighth notes are or if her bow is legato enough. Her presence means financial stability for the organization, continuity, and community support. And she clearly is also a kind of happy, warm glue for the musicians themselves. Not to mention that she would be very sad to be criticized or kicked out of the group.
I used to play occasionally with a group who had an elderly retired professional as a member. She had built the organization from scratch, from venues to audiences, programming to finances. She was the face of the organization, if not the hands. One day, she said during rehearsal “I just can’t keep up anymore, but I am afraid that if I stop, my life will stop having meaning. I love it so much.” Any one of us could have kept that conversation going, exploring ways she could have found a way to leave. But none of us did. We just told her she must keep playing, that we needed her and the group needed her.
And the look on her face, of utter relief, was worth every moment of when one or the other of us would cue her entrance or double her part if we had rests. It’s about more than any of that. It’s about us taking care of each other and finding joy in all aspects of our musical lives. And as Paul once said, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give”.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
You are wise, Alma. Humanity must triumph over technique.
Yes. We will all be there one day!
Yes. I needed this today. The music world is an unforgiving, brutal place and to have a moment of generosity is precious.
Beautifully said! Thank you.
Ditto!
I once played in an orchestra with a violinist who was definitely “past it”. The experience was like sitting near to someone with a radio on, tuned to another station, and in the middle of the orchestra. Finally a group of us got together and complained to the Maestro. He said “She’s 94 years old, you tell her she can’t play!” and that was the end of that. The “radio station” stayed on!
That’s a sweet story! I hope I can still play if I ever get to 94!
Wow how hard would it have been to look up the actual lyric from one of the most famous albums of all time…
Hey. Have some patience and kindness, BB!
What a lovely breath of fresh compassionate air in this profession. It’s art, not the olympics or the NBA, and if the humanities and the arts don’t help us be better, more empathetic people to the people directly around us than all the perfectly fleet fingers in the world aren’t going to make what we do worth doing.
Our value to the world isn’t in being examples of excellence, it’s in being examples of humanity.
I’m not in an orchestra, so I may not be able to judge adequately. But I’m 80 and I’ve been working with groups of people for decades.
It would be painful to get a feedback that I’m not as good anymore and it’s time to quit.
But I’d be ashamed and irritated if I later found out that my work had sunk below a red line and nobody drew my attention to it.
Don’t necessarily have to leave it to chance. I’ve asked a trusted friend or two over the years to keep an eye on my playing and tell me if they see a significant decline. It’ll be hard news to take, but better coming from a friend, hopefully in a timely fashion so that the situation can be handled gracefully and appropriately.
This is terribly hard, but if her playing is harming the orchestra, then it is unkind not to let her know what her colleagues are thinking. It is a matter of professional standards (assuming this is a professional group). If the financial future of the group is dependent on her continuing to play, that is indeed a difficult decision. Accept reduced standards, or go out of business.