Dear Alma, I’m straight and the maestro fancies me. Help?
Daily Comfort ZoneDear Alma,
I’m a straight young guy in an orchestra where the conductor is middle-aged and gay.
He has given me the look. Should I follow this through? It could be to my advantage as the principal seat is presently vacant. I can’t see what I might lose. I had a gay crush on a classmate when I was 16 so I know the rules of the game and I quite like this conductor. Maybe he’d just mentor me…. what do you think?
Time for a Change?
Dear Time for a Change,
This is a neat question. A lot of different things to unpack, and it’s nice that you seem utterly unstressed and just mildly curious. That takes the pressure off, and allows for time and space to mull over all of the ins and outs, if you know what I mean.
If I am reading this correctly, the conductor isn’t being pushy, but has just subtly signaled to you. That’s also a nice feature. You are happy in your position (ok, stop it, Alma) and so you don’t need to make a move unless you want to. I think you also kindof like him.
Let’s remove a couple of things and see how it looks. Let’s remove the sexual orientation/gender angle. In my opinion, for what it’s worth, that’s a moot point. It’s 2023 and you can do and be whatever you want to be, we are over judging people. That’s so last year. You seem sexual-fluent, so it’s not a deal.
Let’s then remove the possibility of a work promotion. That gets sticky also.
Let’s also remove the work/hierarchy quandary. That’s also a problem.
So, it’s just you and him, at a coffee shop, making eyes at one another. You are interested, and he is interested. You have shared interests, you are both smart and relaxed. The answer here is yes. Sounds like fun. Life is short and best not to limit yourself in the case you find a new passion or interest.
Time for a Change?, here’s the reason you need to say no to this particular situation. It’s bad to get involved at work. And it’s really bad to get involved (from either side) with an unequal power dynamic. Percentage-wise, you have about a 2% chance of it not turning into a total, raging nightmare that will turn your life into a never-ending re-run of “should I have?” questions.
Here’s what I think. Go to a coffee shop. Maybe a bunch of times. See if you find a cute guy who gives you the look. Or give a cute guy the look. See if he’s smart and you have a shared interest. And go for it.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
No, the answer is no.
1) Nowhere in your letter do you say you like him, not even sexually, rather, you mention 2 reasons why you’re interested: promotion or mentoring.
2) Young straight guys always think they are irresistible and that middle-aged gay guys will fall madly in love with them and devote themselves to their young lothario (like promoting or mentoring them).
Neither will happen, at best you’ll be his side piece at worst you’ll be his one-night stand.
Save your time and energy instead to practice more to win that principal position. You’ll feel better about yourself and be a better musician.
You’re welcome.
It says he likes the conductor in the letter
One, never crap where you eat, even if it is the big boss. Two, this entire orchestral industry is jam-packed with politics and unrealistic subjectivity. This kind of thing goes on in every orchestra in the country, but usually it is the young women who are getting the favors or promotion. The player here is confused and the fact that he would even entertain moving forward with the music director as a means for promotion is disgusting.
Extracurricular strategies for “advance purposes”, is that News? Tanglewood? Salzau anyone? Hello ??!
I don’t believe this ‘letter’ for a second.
Exactly… that “young guy” is telling on someone.
The only question here is whether it’s ever a good idea to get involved with someone mostly for opportunistic, careerist reasons. Personally I find this utterly wrong from a moral standpoint. But I’m sure it happens quite often. Some people are willing to go quite far in order to get ahead professionally.
Such “arrangements” usually do not end up well. Not to mention the fact that getting involved with someone in the same work environment is usually a recipe for disaster, except in a few outlier cases.
Good job! Beware the trap of the power dynamic The Maestro will have to look elsewhere. Don’t be rude. Stay nice…
Hello “Time for a Change?”
It seems that you are not straight.
🙂
Yes. Obviously no. Correct answer.
Mills and Boon 101.
Imagine Barbara Cartland writing that scenario…
Excellent advice, Alma… most affairs that involve unequal pairings at work end very badly.
Never crap where you eat. Period……
Gay or straight young men (or other orientations) should take care of their instruments, literally! Words get around and success of your ‘planned’ promotion is not guaranteed. As for pleasure, that’s none of our business.
After asking the orchestral librarian to make some changes in the musicians’ scores, Sir John Pritchard would start the next rehearsal with ‘Good morning, Gentlemen; I hope you’ve cleaned your parts’.
What a load of old nonsense this post is. If the conductor is ‘gay’ & fancies you- you may or may not get ‘promotion’ depending on the way your orchestra operates (this would not be unacceptable in standards of equality in the work place anyhow nowadays- particularly in professional orchestras where tenure or promotion is surely based on merit more than anything else) or the power or lack of it of the conductor in question. If the conductor makes ‘overtures’ to you (& it seems a mere few glances are hardly close to it)- depending on your preferences- you can either tell him to ‘go away’ & that you’re ‘straight’ (thanks very much but) value your position on equal terms or else accept his advances & hope you benefit from it in multiple strata for your own gratification. This post really is pathetic, a non story, & perhaps reveals more about you than the conductor in a Freudian kind of way.
Please watch Tár.
In his place, I would avoid unprotected mentoring