Taking down the music critic

Music critic Laurence Vittes reviews John Malkovich’s new show, written by the musician-comedian Aleksey Igudesman:

By Laurence Vittes
The Music Critic
Orpheum Theatre, Los Angeles
20 October 2023

The Music Critic, currently on a national tour, takes down aesthetically-challenged classical music critics who have disparaged compositions that subsequently become recognized as masterworks. John Malkovich’s lean and angry critic captures the transfiguring torments and ecstasies that come with the job as he wanders about a bare stage which he shares with five musicians playing music by composers from Bach to Kancheli. Masterminded and tightly-scripted by Aleksey Igudesman, of the classical music stand-up comedy act Igudesman and Joo, the play’s success lies in its deliberate detachment from context: The Critic voices the reviews unattributed, and knits them together as if they were his own. The underlying theme resonates profoundly. There’s a peculiar satisfaction in witnessing the redemption of public humiliation at the expense of another’s perpetual shame, particularly when that person is a music critic.

In a manner befitting a genuine critic, Malkovich begins by hanging around discreetly, absorbing the music and jotting down relatively innocuous observations which he delivers haltingly and portentously as he searches for the correct words and phrases. Following the musicians’ brilliant performance of a lively Dvorak scherzo he pontificates on the music’s “dangerous tendencies.” He accuses one of Beethoven’s violin sonatas of “recklessly shattering tender melancholy.” He lambasts Brahms as a “giftless bastard,”accuses Giya Kancheli (who seems a somewhat incongruous victim) of writing film scores without films, and Chopin as “worse than ordinary.” Nothing edgy, of
course, like “I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

More jarringly he resurrects criticism that would never be allowed today, such as insinuating about Chopin’s association with George Sand, labeling Debussy’s String Quartet “music for the headhunters of Borneo,” and mocking Schumann’s descent into madness.

As time passes, the monologue increasingly drifts from its musical moorings, the critic’s aggressiveness intensifies, and the musicians who had previously been good-natured begin to push back. They challenge him to explain hissnarky comments, brings up his being fooled by the infamous Joyce Hatto forgeries, and questions him about the serious trauma Malkovich the actor suffered after a bad review in Istanbul. Crumbling under the pressure, increasingly unable to articulate his thoughts, Malkovich descends into the critic’s worst nightmare, being reviewed himself. In a surreal turnabout, the musicians ask for his advice on their hideous performance of a Mozart piece in A minor. He begins by suggesting changing to A major, which sounds equally hideous if less manic, and eventually leads the ensemble and then the audience in breathing exercises.

The packed audience was rich in the kind of hip, young demographics orchestras aspire to engage; their comfort level with classical music was accompanied by an unbridled desire to revel in the fun, their laughter was triggered by the slightest jest. It was like a chamber music party with one unwelcome, non-playing guest who knows it all. The audience ate it up.

Igudesman and Hyung-Ki Joo have shared their penchant for classical music absurdity since at the Yehudi Menuhin School in England at the age of 12. A typically outlandish caper took place New Year’s Eve 2011 at the Vienna Konzerthaus when they reportedly set a record for the dancing violinists on stage (100). Igudesman disclosed his belief to me in Montréal a few years ago that humor injected into classical music “is beneficial in every conceivable way,” and underscored the meticulous research and development invested in making shows like his comedy act with Joo and The Music Critic “as realistic as possible.”

Realistic or not, the play absolutely depended on the other musicians – violinist Claire Wells, violist Hsin-Yun Huang and cellist Anthony Lysy – to give unfailingly gorgeous, note perfect performances amid the increasing chaos that would present the clearest possible contrast with The Critic’s risible criticisms. The slow movements from the Brahms F major Cello Sonata and Schumann’s Piano Quartet were particularly successful and elicited enthusiastic applause – although not as much as Igudesman’s manic fiddling in Piazzolla. The Critic, rather than belittling Schumann for being dethroned by Wagner, might better have accused Schumann of stealing the theme from Mozart. But I’m not sure that’s in Slonimsky.

If you miss The Music Critic before it closes in New York, the orchestral adaptation will play the Philharmonie Luxembourg on November 6 and in Portland with the Oregon Symphony in June 2024, and there’s a new CD release of the original live show And if you fancy reading the critics who are most likely to miss the mark on masterpieces of the future, simply follow the publications that publish my work. Depending on whether you think this is a good or a bad review.