Dear Alma, I’m a new professor and my colleague’s a former lover

Dear Alma,

I just got my first university professorship, and I start soon. I am very happy about it, have moved a great distance, and am setting up my office and beginning to get to know a bit about my new students, classwork, and colleagues. One of the other professors happens to be a woman I had a brief (very brief) fling with many years ago. We have stayed mildly in touch, and recently she wrote to me, congratulating me on my new position and offering to show me around town and take me to dinner. I do like her, but am afraid that things might get complicated if there is a spark. I also don’t want to offend her. We will have to play in the university chamber group together. My fiancé still lives in our old town because she didn’t want to give up her job.

Not sure of the protocol

Dear Not Sure,

Yes. I see it now. If you say yes, you are potentially heading into an exciting, steamy, broom-closet-behind-the-concert-hall affair that you have to hide from both your university colleagues and your fiancé. Or, you turn her offer down and she becomes bitter and affronted, spreading nasty rumors around the faculty coffee maker, telling everyone that it’s the “new guy” who keeps microwaving fish in the faculty lounge. Either way, you are getting screwed. One literally and one figuratively.

Any time you enter a new job, and I can fairly confidently say even more so in a university setting, you are entering a pit of slithering snakes. People who have been there for a long time, who have a complicated history, newer members who are flashy and “want to shake things up”, jealousy over which students are doing well, or which faculty have better performance careers. This inside information, this complicated web of interrelations, is what will make you sink or swim. And it takes a quiet, keen ear to the ground to begin to understand each situation and how it tugs or affects you and the other members of your department.

The last thing you need to do is to jeopardize your relationship with your fiancé or your chance at getting tenure. There should be a way to answer the (possibly completely benign) email from your former fling. I would do anything and everything you can to make this first year (or until you have tenure) so calm, almost boring, both on a personal and professional level.

Your task is to write to your former flame and politely turn her down, while mentioning that you are engaged, and so looking forward to joining this department and having a chance to perform with her again. This can be done in a number of ways, of course. Here is a stab at it.

Something like:

Dear Hot Hot Hot,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I am finally settling in here, and found a nice place close enough to campus so that I am able to walk. My fiancé comes out next week with her mother, and we plan on catching a show, going to a museum, and discovering some local bakeries. I would appreciate any recommendations you have!

I am looking forward to playing some great repertoire with you this year, and getting to know more about the school and faculty. Right now, I am up to my ears unpacking, finding my pottery collective, and writing syllabus for my classes. I would like to take a pass on your idea of getting a bite to eat for now – could we take a raincheck on that? Maybe later this semester?

It’s so nice to already have an acquaintance in town, and looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks.

Sincerely,

I remember our hot night of passion with fond memories

Be nice, be boring, and try to create a bubble of reliable but bland aura around you. Listen more than talk. Observe and do a really really good job. Be on time. Or 2 minutes early. Don’t stick out. Don’t do too many extra things around town for now. That can make people jealous. Head down, eyes on the prize. The tenure position. After that, you can utilize that broom closet (haha not really), but hold your horses until then!