Sh*t Conductors Say

Valentina Lisitsa says:

Here is some authentic conductors’ lore 🙂
Eugene Ormandy and his English:

-Who is sitting in that empty chair?
-I don’t want to confuse you more than absolutely necessary.
-Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night in New York and vice versa.
-I’m conducting slowly because I don’t know the tempo. I conduct faster so you can see my beat.
-I cannot give it to you, so try to watch me.
-I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong.
-I am thinking it right but beating it wrong.
-I can conduct better than I count.
-I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn’t.
-I purposely didn’t do anything, and you were all behind.
-Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.
-Don’t ever follow me, because I am difficult.
-It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.
-The notes are right, but if I listened they would be wrong.
-I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong way right. I mean the right way wrong.
-At every concert I’ve sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It’s clearly marked 80 . . . uh, 69.
-Watch me closely. Only one can spoil it.
-Someone came in too sooner.
-Start beforty-two.
-Start three bars before something.
-Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
-Did you play? It sounded very good.
-Intonation is important, especially when it’s cold.
-Beauty is less important than quality.
-If you don’t have it in your part, leave it out, because there’s enough missing already.
-Percussion a little louder. (“We don’t have anything.”) That’s right. Play it louder.
-More basses, because you are so far away.
-I need one more bass less.
-There are no woodwinds at number 6. (“We’re at number 15.”) I know. That is why.
-(To a tubist): Long note? “Yes.” Make it seem short.
-Brass, stay down all summer.
-Don’t play louder, just give more.
-Accelerando means in tempo. Don’t rush.
-I don’t want to repeat this a hundred times. When you see crescendo, it means p.
-The tempo remains pp.
-It’s difficult to remember when you haven’t played it before.
-We can’t hear the balance because the soloist is still on the airplane.
-Please follow me because I have to follow him, and he isn’t here.
-Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
-With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight.
-He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.
-Bizet was a very young man when he wrote this symphony, so play it soft.
-Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third.
-The trumpet solo will be played by our solo trumpet player. His name is Blumine, which has something to do with flowers.
-(On the death of David Oistrakh) I told him he’d have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.
-Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days.
-(On William Kapell’s death) Death is a terrible thing. I don’t believe in it myself.
-This is a very democratic organization, so let’s take a vote. All those who disagree with me, raise their hands.
-It’s all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you have to be flexible.
-Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa.
-I mean what I meant.
-I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say something similar.
-I don’t mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I have to.
-Relax, don’t be nervous. My God, it’s the Philadelphia Orchestra.