Dear Alma, I can’t break into the home team
OrchestrasDear Alma,
I have been in an orchestra for a short while. It’s an excellent group and I worked hard to achieve this position. The orchestra is not in my home country, and I quite good at the language spoken at orchestra. I am trying to socialize and speak with the native people but my language just isn’t quite good when they speak fast or use phrases I don’t know. So naturally I end up in a small group of people from my home country. And we are isolated from the rest of the group. It’s natural, I suppose, but I very much want to become a part of the real group.
Alma – what should I do?
On the Outside
Dear On the Outside,
Many of us have been in this situation before, whether at work, at school in a new country, or by dating outside your native language group. It’s never easy, and I am happy to see that you are making the effort. I know that there is an easy way out for you because there is a small group who speak your mother tongue, but I advise you to not give up, keep trying, and put yourself out there. You will be happier in the long run, your new colleagues will appreciate your efforts, and your experience in your adopted home will be richer and more fulfilling.
A couple of small notes – try to keep your first conversations with smaller groups of people (under 4), and in a quiet area (not a busy restaurant). Try not to stop the flow of the conversation, observing and remembering things to look up later. If in a one-on-one conversation, don’t hesitate to ask for repetition, slower speed, or clarification. In my experience the 10-20% of the conversation which includes colloquialisms is really the part that stumps me. Try to understand and learn these little details, and push yourself to use them. If you are incorrect in your usage, someone will most likely help you to understand the ins-and-outs. If you can find a good tutor, by all means do that. Also, listening to music in that language, watching shows, and listening to the news will help you find the flow and process more quickly.
I lived in another country for quite a while, and found it draining and defeating to get out there. Especially when people will just switch to your language. But I did my best, forgave myself of all the millions of mistakes I was making, and eventually found a kindof of flow that would allow me to break into that new culture. It was worth it.
Don’t give up! You can do it.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I agree, it just takes time. Years ago I worked at the administration of a festival in France where I did not understand a word what they were saying but I got along quite well, and after some 4 months I discovered I was at the wrong organisation in the wrong town all along, I had misread the letters. So, getting to know the language better helped me to get to the festival I was supposed to be in the first place. It is really worth the effort!
Sally
Fantastic! That made my cold winter morning Downunder much happier. And I’ve had to learn both French & German ‘on the run’!
er, what? You worked in the wrong place for four months and no one said anything as to what you were doing there? Was this the UN or some such?
No it was a simple but very nice festival, but I never knew of which music. But they had extensive lunches I much enjoyed.
Sally
When I was in college, a French Exchange student friend of mine kept a little notebook into which she wrote all the idioms which she encountered in conversations. She had no hesitancy in asking anyone to explain exactly what they meant: then she wrote down the explanations. People loved her interest in the meanings of things, and it enriched everyone who had to stop and think about the true meanings of what they said and meant.
it is like the Italian waiter that came to
London. never learnt
English and forgot
Italian
I was an expat for 44 years. The degree to which a foreigner can integrate varies greatly from country to country. It can also vary greatly by how the people in the host country view your race and country of origin.
Too true. Sometimes it is more than the language which can separate people.
Sometimes it is sheer being that separates people.
OMG, stop whining and count yourself lucky to have a job! Jeepers, the BS people find to be unhappy about these days!!!
They are not unhappy – just asking advice.
This is so difficult. But it is good to try and keep working on it.
Yet another strange incoming letter! Who calls the people of a country they have chosen to work in “native people”? The answer is simple. Learn the language! Devote a certain amount of time each day, not to learn basics as in school but instead how to converse. You will soon pick enough to socialize although perhaps with initially a resort to occasional sign language. Make friends. Invite other players out for drinks or a meal. Sticking with a group of your own countrymen all the time will do nothing to change the situation.
In my old age, with all the time from Covid I have focused on learning languages. In learning European languages my strategy is this: as much as possible in give and take conversations as opposed to lectures, etc. I fill in part of their responses in my mind, at least at the beginning of subjects like the basic ‘how are you,?’ ‘What do you do for a living?’ Etc. I don’t focus on catching every word, just the prime phrase that answers the question. As I get better at a language – and youtube makes it possible to learn and polish language skills at any level – I catch more words. Don’t focus on every word in conversation. Do I sometimes make very silly mistakes? You bet, but they get straightened out.