Dear Alma, All my friends are doing better than me
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I get very discouraged and deflated when I see all of the amazing concerts and projects my colleagues are involved in. I try to limit my intake of social media, but I cave in every couple of days and within minutes, it’s as if my life is worthless and I am wracked with guilt over not having worked hard enough throughout school, or not taken competitions seriously enough. The list goes on and on. And if it’s not social media, it’s a magazine or word of mouth. I can’t avoid it no matter what I do and I also can’t stop thinking about it.
Inadequate
Dear Inadequate,
Unfortunately, a career in music (from administration to private teaching, soloist to orchestral player) is a never-ending game of comparisons. We are taught to compare ourselves to others from the moment we pick up our first instrument. Our own feelings of happiness rise and fall continually in relation to successes and “failures” of the musicians around us. Jealousy, low self-esteem and dissatisfaction inevitably occur. No matter where you are, there will always be people above and below you.
What we need to do is change our own minds, our own perceptions and feelings. Guilt is a bottomless pit – every moment a guilty feeling sneaks up, you can take it and throw it into that pit. But the pit will always be hungry for more, and the more you feed it, the larger that cavern becomes. So let’s find some coping mechanisms to rid ourselves of that dark pit, as much as we possibly can.
We need to stop comparing ourselves to others, as impossible as this seems. Limiting your exposure is important, but it won’t make the situation disappear. Start by pinpointing the moment when you begin this negative thought process. The only person you need to compare yourself to is you. Sit down and take a moment to write down what is important to you in your life as it is now, and what is not. At the moment of your negative thoughts, look at your list and replace those negative thoughts with gratitude for the things you do have. Think of all the successes you have had, and all of the bad things you have managed to avoid.
Inadequate, I am certain that there is much to be happy about in your career and life. Embrace those things, deflect the outside noise, and you will begin to find the balance you seek.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I have that too, PA’s getting better salaries, less work, easier bosses, quiter work place, no classical music stuf. It influenses my typing skills & concenration. But I found an excelent treament: oiling the workload with some alcohol intake reduses envy!
Sally
Just recall the old Desiderata from 1927:
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter…”
So stop the comparing.
Not comparing oneself to others is one of the greatest challenges to one’s personal growth and emotional maturity and truly remains a lifelong work in progress, no matter what age. But the older one gets, the broader perspective on life one acquires, the less likely one is likely to compare oneself to others or, perhaps it might be more accurate to say, the less such comparison has any sort of substantial effect, as one acquires a much better sense of one’s priorities and of what’s genuinely important in life. Granted, it’s especially difficult to stop comparing oneself to others when one is not yet established professionally, especially in the age of social media and in a culture where competitiveness has literally become a way of being. But instead of attempting to magically turn off a switch, I might suggest the best way to lessen the impact of such comparisons is by acquiring a greater sense of self-acceptance, as well as a realistic appreciation of one’s strengths and weaknesses. The truth is, classical music has become an extremely tough business. It is now possible to hear fairly young people play with a level of mastery and technical prowess equal, if not superior to, players who a few decades ago might have literally been household names in the classical music community. It is therefore important to acquire a realistic sense of one’s true abilities. However, one should endeavor not to allow one’s ego to get in the way. These concerts and opportunities you are seeing on social media are truly meaningless, as they may not necessarily translate into any lasting success. It’s merely a display of narcissism that you should attempt to disregard. Focus on yourself, assess your own strengths as realistically and honestly as possible, and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling instead of fighting it — this might actually be the best way to regain a healthy state of well-being.
All correct.
Also: if one gets a real sense of one’s worth, comparison with others in whatever field no longer invokes negative reactions. Music life is no zero sum game, there are too many parameters which resust in success or even getting chances. It is mostly a long-term trajectory which requires talent, patience, hard work, and a sense of self-worth without comparisons.
But there’s one caveat: for well-being one should not embark on a career in the classical music world.
People post their successes and achievements on social media, not their struggles and failures. You can sure your colleagues in the musical profession do have their problems too.
“Inadequate” needs to build on the things that have gone well for him/her, there will be some even if they aren’t the same as s/he envies in those colleagues.
This happens to me all of the time. It feels like I can’t get away from it. Thank you for some of these good ideas.
I suggest social media is a scourge of our age. I call it unsocial media.