Dear Alma, My groper tried it again

From our agony aunt’s mailbag:

Dear Alma,

Remember me? I’m the one who was ass-grabbed by a brass player a couple weeks back.

You gave me sound advice, which I was in the process of putting into practice when the asshole did it again – right in front of two other women in my section. And offered to do the same to them.

So what now? I told you I’m north German. We’re fairly direct up here.

Next day I came well prepared. In rehearsal break, I smeared the inside of the mouthpiece of his instrument with a thin scraping of dogshit.

He put the instrument to his mouth. Couldn’t work out why it tasted different. When he did, he let out a yell that could be heard all the way to Berlin.

He immediately filed a complaint against me. I have been suspended pending the outcome of an investigation. I have not admitted the offence.

Should I?

Dear Should I?,

Ok. Before we say the obvious, I want to say l really like your style. It’s funny, to the point, and downright disgusting. Kudos to you! It’s going to go down in perpetuity in your orchestra lore.

It reminds me of things I used to do in high school. Once I left a paper bag of dog poop on someone’s front door. I also filled someone’s letter box with lentils and tied someone’s house together with rope (they had a completely square house with from door and back door on the same level). It was hilarious seeing them try to push the door open over and over again.

Back to reality. Oops. Of course you shouldn’t have done that.

Don’t say a word at orchestra. Don’t admit anything. Don’t respond to questions. Stay away from that grabby, despicable bag of hot air.

Get a lawyer and follow their advice to the letter.

They will most likely have you file your own official complaint, detailing both incidents and naming the witnesses. Don’t go to those people directly, just follow the lawyer’s advice.

Should I?, we all have gotten carried away in certain circumstances. That’s human. You will get out of this. But no funny business from here on out. Nose to the grindstone.

Please let us know how it goes,

Your fan, Alma

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com