Dear Alma, Should I have ignored her infidelity for the sake of my career?
OperaDear Alma,
I used to be half of an opera golden couple in my country. Then I came home unexpectedly and found my beautiful wife in bed with another cast member.
We split up.
She is still an opera star. I am somewhere in the middle.
I got over the rage a long time back. I don’t grudge her the success she has earned.
What bugs me now is whether I over-reacted. Lots of opera folk have affairs. Should I have just turned a blind eye to infidelity and carried on as a golden partner for the sake of my (now fading) career? What do you reckon, Alma?
Opera cuckold
Dear Opera cuckold,
Regret. Damn the regret. In classical music, it feels like a never-ending torrent. All those sparkly careers, the shiny eyes, gleaming white teeth, and clever retorts. And us, just normal us, making a sandwich in the kitchen, taking the tube, feeding the goldfish.
Listen, Opera cuckold. No matter what, the decision you made at the time was right. Your gut told you the answer. They say that the average human regrets approximately 30% of the decisions they make, every day. And I bet your former partner goes over that moment just as much as you do.
There are two main types of regret. One is of an action done, which can be quite painful, but ultimately helps you to learn from the experience and move on. This is the type of regret you are experiencing. The other regret is of an action not done. This would have been if you had just carried on. This type of regret is much deeper, leads to depression and a feeling of being stuck. This is what you would have felt if you had just ignored the liaison in favor of a career. And I, for one, am glad you took the first path.
There is nothing wrong with exploring your feelings of regret, either alone or with another person. In fact, it would probably do you a lot of good to think about what your life could have been like if, instead of giving your partner the boot, you just shrugged it off and kept your eye on the prize, a nice busy career. But would it have been nice? Once pushed over, you would probably encounter this exact scenario time and again, and might be writing to Alma to ask why your heart was such a dark, rotten mess. Why you sold your soul for the bright lights.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
pictured: Lulu in Dresden, 2015
You should have not slept your way to a career in the first place! Had you actually earned it, it wouldn’t have faded after the divorce!
Why is this dear alma stuff here on this site.
Such shallow advice based on what?
alma wrote:
“No matter what, the decision you made at the time was right.”
“And I bet your former partner goes over that moment just as much as you do.”
How would even know this?
Dear Toilet Paper,
Why are you reading it then?
You write “how would you even know this” when Alma says “I bet”. She is not saying she knows. She is supposing something based off the cycle of human regret.
Read something else. Don’t bomb the comments with your negativity.
Judging by how many times Dear Alma is listed as a “top read” item as well as the number listed of thumbs on your comment, people enjoy reading the advice. Which is solid. TP – maybe you should ask Alma for some advice about your pent-up frustrations.
I have asked the same question at least twice. The thing is: I can’t imagine people actually writing such personal details, some of which are so utterly childish! What have they to do with classical music?
As for the present “letter” (if such it actually was – which I doubt), I had a dear conductor friend who found himself in precisely that situation. Married to a glamorous opera singer, she was performing in a new production of an opera in Europe while he was conducting in the USA. Every time she called, she told him how lonely she was and how much she missed him. He decided to fly over and surprise her. She then surprised him for he literally found his wife in bed with another man. No doubt words were said and divorce soon followed. The careers of neither suffered and both continued to flourish in their chosen fields. Both remarried a few years later!
Yup, sounds about right.
These made-up “Alma” scenarios say way more about the author’s own hang-ups and past experiences than anything else.
Oh dear, such a sad and embittered sentiment. Take the rest of the week off.
So many wives deal with husbands and their repeated infidelities. It’s refreshing to hear the genders swapped for once.
Heh….i wonder whether the members of the “golden opera couple” ever paused to notice the proportion of their repertory that turns on the question of whether the leading lady has been in bed with, or might wish to be in bed with, the wrong guy. It’s a known risk of romantic attachment. Some partners “turn a blind eye,” other get a divorce, others get therapy, others become violent, others arrange for their own side action. Still others write to Dear Alma.