Dear Alma, My nemesis drinks his own urine

Dear Alma,

I have been a member of my orchestra for over 10 years. I am well-liked and have a high tolerance for the regular, daily annoyances which can make others’ lives difficult. One person, however, is wearing me down and I find myself in a bitter, short mood because of them. They are a senior member, leader of their section, and are constantly pointing out various personal grievances that they have about anyone in the orchestra, loudly and publicly. It ranges from the mundane to the ridiculous – how high someone holds their elbow, if someone is too happy after a concert, laying out their dark, political ideologies, wearing their eyebrows so low that they put a pall over the entire section. It’s driving me nuts and I want to put a stop to it. There is nothing wrong, I suppose, about drinking one’s own urine (for medicinal purposes), but this person happens to subscribe to this odd belief (in private). Alma – is there any way of using this odd bit of information to put a wet blanket over this incessant menace? It’s my only ammunition. 

Bottoms Up

Dear Bottoms Up,

I can almost see them. In fact, I have seen them, we all have. The never-ending talker, the butt-in, the nosy and always giving stupid advice person. Seriously not picking up the clue phone, or just blatantly ignoring the thing ringing off the horn. Makes me shiver just thinking about it. But then, I start to giggle just a little, because they are actually so absurd.

I believe that if you can turn a bully into a silly thing, you can turn their dark power into light, into enjoyment and entertainment. Like in Harry Potter. There is a creature called a Boggart, which lives in wardrobes and chests of drawers. The spell used to banish a Boggart is called Reddikulus. What you do is imagine the Boggart in the silliest possible scenario – wearing polka dotted knickers or dressed as your granny. Then, your laughter disempowers the evil creature and it returns from whence it came. Toodle-pips to him, as Wooster would say. And how!

Now, Bottoms Up, you must use your secret weapon to disarm this verbally pungent perp. Begin by a light sprinkling in the caff. over a coff., mentioning to a coworker that you understand that the Boggart likes to go in for a wee bit of the old urine to wet his whistle. Go from there, weaving it in and out of various conversations, and soon, what was once offensive will now be entertainment, and fodder for future tales told over a pint of the old stuff.

Tally-ho, Bottoms Up!

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