Dear Alma, Must I go out with a donor?
OrchestrasDear Alma,
I’m an oboist in a good orchestra, 32 years old, female, between relationships.
A major donor has invited me to dinner at his house. I informed the orchestra president who said this guy has given $750,000 and promises more. He’s about 60, divorced, presentable, owns a large and very uninteresting chunk of industry..
The message I got from the president is that I should accept the dinner invitation.
My gut says, No. I’m being used as fishbait.
What say you?
Small Fry
Dear Small Fry,
There is not a clear-cut answer for you today. Before we look at your particular situation, let’s talk about the history and importance of patronage. Arts patrons have existed since ancient times, first the church or state, and later the aristocracy and a new class of well-to-do merchants (such as the Medici).
The results were thousands of works of art, music, sculpture and more. These patrons wanted to decorate their churches and palazzos with enviable art, to have the best possible music for Bob’s wedding or coolest triptych in the entrance hall. From Leonardo DaVinci to Beethoven, Peggy Guggenheim to King Ludwig II of Bavaria, a wealthy patron is happy to be part of a mutual relationship which gives them recognition, social cachet, and which supports the artist and allows for creative output.
As a musician, I have had many patrons, some of whom loaned me a legendary instrument (in exchange for concerts and including them in my press materials), paid for travel to competitions or workshops when I was just starting out, put me up or found housing for me, and paid for newly commissioned works or recording projects. I got to know some of them very well, and some I kept a firm distance. With these patrons, I have eaten some of the most exquisite food (some cooked by their own hands in their kitchens), had memorable conversation, and travelled to places I would not have been able to visit. I have stayed in their houses and taken their dogs for walks. Some were creepy, some crossed lines, and some are amongst my closest friends to this day. I learned how to quickly asses each person and situation, and made plenty of mistakes early on. It has been (and continues to be) an integral part of my life, and has given me such deep experiences, enriching my life through both activities and personal relationships.
Small Fry, I would not go out on a private date with this person. I would, however, go to a larger gathering which includes musicians and staff of your orchestra and several patrons. Think of what you might take away from this. Maybe this patron would like to host an evening concert of your woodwind quintet, or sponsor your recording of the 144 Preludes by Franz Wilhelm Ferling. Perhaps you will find a new relationship as productive as Baroness von Meck and Tchaikovsky. In that case, however, the two were fated to never meet during their intense, 13 year relationship, even when living in the same estate. Now, that’s quite a feat!
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Small Fry — babe — This woman of a certain age advises you to *never* doubt your gut feelings. If, for political reasons, you must accept an invite, tell the dude you’d be happy to meet for dinner in a restaurant, in public.
Dear Small Fry,
Tell your patron $750,000 works out to be only $7,500 per musician of an orchestra, and if he thinks he can buy a date with you for $7,500, think again, because you can make more than $7,500 on OnlyFans meeting plenty of generous and equally creepy 60 year olds, tell him, if he ups his contribution to $75,000 per musician or $7.5 million for the orchestra, then you can start negotiations for a date.
HE’s the small fry — $7,500 indeed — not you.
Tell HIM to go on OnlyFans if he wants a date with someone half his age on the cheap because that’s all he can afford.
This is such an unhinged comment it’s hard to know where to begin. She says the guy is a presentable unmarried 60 year old. And he’s got money. For most women, that’s quite a catch. (We never realize this at 31 though.) Why throw a nuclear bomb at the guy? With a response like yours he’d never come near a classical music concert for the rest of his life. She can be smart. Make it work to her advantage without the nuclear devastation you’re describing. What an insane response!
Can’t help but notice narcissism fails to recognize itself in a mirror.
She should add to her little self description: woke and vain.
Maybe he just likes to talk Loeffler.
If he likes you, why complain? If he doesn’t? good for him and the orchestra.
Women who assume every man likes them are women who will be upset when they find this rarely the case; their assumptions are that all men are womanizers, and that’s why these women will end up with guys living in basements in their mom’s place.
You have clearly been living under a rock. First, the relationship of patronage is inherently political due to the power difference. Second, this man approached this woman specifically, to dine at his place. He did not simply say “I like you” as you insinuate. A woman going to a stranger’s house is a bad idea, no matter what the age/status/country/circumstance is. Third, she does not assume all men are “womanizers” (you must be from a very old generation…), but she rightly suspects that in THIS scenario, the man’s interest is romantic/sexual. Why else would he ask her to randomly dine with him at his place? A good guy who truly appreciates someone for who they are, will take precautions not to give the wrong idea by inviting a stranger to his house. Finally, women do not end up with guys living in their parents’ basement. That NEVER happens. Which world do you live in? Wake up
It’s the idea that a 32y/o female needs advice about what’s right and wrong which is inherently worrying. It’s a generational problem. And it’s a feature of being single way too long.
Hiding under a rock won’t cut it. Relationships and children are the places we go when we want to think about somebody else apart from ourselves. And these spaces give us a chance to grow and learn.
Turn that ‘small fry’ into a big, formidable one!!
You’re making assumptions based on his age, his sexuality, and his financial status. It seems you and Small Fry are the ones who need to take a seat. Perhaps he hopes she will play for him and his guests or discuss oboe, or see his collection of orchestra nicknacks.
Simply because of who he is…all the assumptions lead to the worst scenarios.
People who can drop six figures on an orchestra donation often have better meals at home than in restaurants. Probably didn’t think about that?
She could bring along a friend. No issues.
Always go with your gut feeling, or take an escort
Dear Alma,
This is Feeling Beat Up – the violist in the quartet with a problem first violinist. https://slippedisc.com/2023/10/dear-alma-i-am-a-violist-beaten-up-by-a-violinist/
I took your advice, and we had a long, productive meeting. Turns out there were a lot of concerns from all of us, one being that I needed to express my opinions more clearly and with fewer words. We all have been working on our issues and rehearsals are going much better. Thank you for your advice, Alma.
I would avoid him. He sounds a bit off.
Donors often want to meet their artists. Just make sure it’s an up-and-up kind of thing. Did he sponsor your chair?
if donor wants to meat one female oboeist…? As divorced probably not gay…? that does not sound like meeting their artists, unless he wants to meet every single member of the orchestra alone at his place…?
Let’s name names….
Donors are provided a lot of perks. The big arts institutions can get big donations by naming their building after someone who delivers a few million. We thus have concert halls named after a whole assortment of rich nobodies, and even corporations. We even name hallways and balconies after rich folks–and all with shiny plaques praising them for their generosity. Unfortunately, most orchestras and opera companies in the USA struggle along without even having a building, but it’s time we realize there are other options.
Why not incorporate name plates and corporate decals on the singers’ costumes, something like those logos plastered all over the asbestos suits race car drivers wear. That way the donors’ names would be inescapable throughout the entire performance. Don Giovani could have a big logo for Verizon across his cape, or Brunnhilde could sport Goldman-Sachs on her breast plates. Really big donors could get the forehead rights. Just imagine the prestige of having your name in large, day glow letters across Renee Fleming’s upper facial area.
Of course this would have to be done with a certain discretion and good taste. One of the biggest donors in American history was Ima Hogg. You wouldn’t want to have her name stitched in large letters across a portly tenor’s ample behind. This could distract from the performance.
I notice that many arts institutions offer prestigious gala dinners where the biggest donors get to sit closest to the opera stars. It’s scaled all the way down to the small timers who have to stand outside and watch the event on a movie screen. Some really big donors even get special house concerts and other artist services. Perhaps they could even have little booths at the galas where for a donation of $100,000 or more, a donor could take one of the artists inside for 15 minutes and do whatever he or she wanted.
So who needs a public funding system for the arts like Europeans have? As we see, it’s true entrepreneurship like naming rights that will save the arts in America.
Dear Small Fry,
In an earlier era, not so very long past, women of your age would be married with children. They simply wouldn’t have these issues. Perennial teenage-hood does have an opportunity cost.
God help Mr. Sonata Form and all the little Sonata Forms if they have to live with your tiny mindset in the circumscribed world of yore that you have created. As Sandy said to Miss Jean Brodie, “You really ARE a ridiculous woman.”
If this happened to a male 31 year oboist would you call him a perpetual teenager, too?
Accept the invitation, and say you’ll be coming with someone who you’ll call your boyfriend.
Red flags! Red flags!
This is commonplace in Russia like the Bolshoi or Mariinsky Ballet where the oligarchs regularly demand (and receive) companionship and escort of their chosen dancers.
Go on the date, but bring someone else from the orch along. If he’s truly interested in supporting the arts, he should welcome another orch colleague coming with you – maybe another member of your section or the winds? A gay man would be ideal. Another women might give him the wrong idea. Don’t go alone.
Find a (male) pianist friend and offer the donor a private recital at his house to accompany the dinner. If the donor is legitimate he’ll love this bonus. But don’t go alone.
Occupy the evening regaling him with tales of reed-making.