Dear Alma, I don’t want to be pals with the conductor
OrchestrasDear Alma,
There seems to be a new fad among conductors. Instead of sitting in a room offstage and studying their scores before rehearsal, they now run around the orchestra greeting each musician individually. There is much hugging and kissing. Unfortunately, I am a reserved, somewhat on-the-spectrum person who does not like to be hugged. While I do not hate conductors, I do not want to pal around with them and don’t feel that it is part of my job to have physical contact with them every day. How do I tell them I don’t want to be hugged without insulting them?
Need Space
Dear Need Space,
Historically, hugs have been going around for quite a while – at least a couple of thousand years. The word “hug” derives from the Old Norse word hugga, to comfort. But it all actually started as a way to scope a stranger for weapons before a parley. A safety measure.
Sometimes I get so yucked out when someone comes in for a hug. It can be jarring and an invasion of my personal space. On the other hand, some people I absolutely adore hugging, and I can just go on forever, bouncing around in a circle or rocking side to side. I read somewhere that if you hug someone for a slow count to 10, it starts to sync your hearts, and releases oxytocin (sometimes referred to as the cuddle hormone). This in turn reduces inflammation, improves wound healing, lessens cravings for drugs, alcohol and sweets, and lowers you heart rate and stress, all of which seem to me to be daily dangers for the average career orchestral musician. But finding a good hugging partner in the workspace is nigh impossible. And best avoided, if you ask me.
Need Space, who knows why your conductors have had this turn-around. Maybe they are as uncomfortable as you with the whole thing, and were ordered to be more chummy by the higher-ups. I say, just stay professional, offer a fist pump when they approach, and keep your language formal and sparse. They will smell what you are cooking pretty quickly. Or try saying “I like to keep a distance to protect my health and those around me”.
November 13 is National Hug a Musician Day in the United States, in case you want to call in sick that day. Or just eat a whole raw onion before you go to work.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
If you don’t want to hug, smile as the person approaches and immediately raise your hand for a friendly “high five”.. Keep smiling – keeping walking – and say “Good luck” as you keep moving.. It really works.
The simplest and politest way to indicate “no hugging” is simply to extend your right arm a long way forward and slightly to the left (so that your right hand is situated some distance in front of the centre of your torso). This gesture makes it abundantly clear that you wish to shake hands with the other party, with the further benefit that, if the other party fails to get the hint, it is physically quite difficult for him/her to hug you. Certainly, this strategy has served me well in all manner of professional and social situations for decades.
If you are in a position of power or influence in the workplace (officially or unofficially), the onus is on you to be attentive and sensitive to what the subordinate finds comfortable, keeping in mind the possibility that he/she may be reluctant to assert his/her own boundaries if he/she is afraid of disappointing you.
Can we get Maestro ‘Tár’ Blanchett’s take on this?
And also Maestro Bradley ‘The Nose’ Cooper’s? [he is the brilliant student-protégé of Nézet-Séguin, the great Levine-wannabe]
and garlic
Tuna sandwich in the armpits?
I am a petit musician, and have the same problem. What I do to avoid being hugged is, when somebody approaches me in a hugging mode, I cross my hands over my chest and bow deeply politely with a big smile. This usually works, and I can even maintain my “classy” status in the group.
Nice one! Also the classic: elbow greeting….
Hey, it could be worse. Lenny used to give everyone (and I do mean everyone) a big, sloppy, wet kiss on the mouth.
Came here to say the same thing: a hug and kiss from Bernstein would have precipitated a nervous breakdown.
Revolting individual. Black Panthers. Yuk all round. Hideous hypocrite.
I am quite tolerant, and a hug can – under certain circumstances – be quite nice. But only if both agree. However, It is not always so nice with a hug from a sweaty conductor after 90 minutes of Mahler …..
Coming home from a concert, my wife became suspicious, and asked me frankly and in a somewhat irritated mood which perfume I was using and which she couldn’t recognize.
Short answer from my side:
“Rostropovich”.
Then I took a shower and put my jacket into the laundry bin.
You are quite right !!! Hugging is for middle class brainless tossers. Just get on with the music and stop showing us “how much you care ” makes me want to throw up. Warren
Yup, that’s pretty much it.
It’s such a left wing thing, this ‘caring’. Part of their indices of neuroticism. Don’t say you love me; just send money.
VERY Ayn Rand, that one.
I know. Yes! Just let us do our jobs.
And stop making trite, boring speeches before the concert. Just play the music and let it speak for you.
The correct word is “ Hygga”
Can anyone imagine Mahler, Toscanini, or anyone of the former “tyrants” hugging their musicians? It would have raised a few eyebrows back then..
Let’s welcome this new trend!
As Toscanini recedes through time into a caricature, this cartoon tyrant persona seems more and more obviously correct. If you are interested in an up-close view of him, the Chotzinoff memoir would be insightful. Samuel Chotzinoff was the NBC executive in charge of the orchestra during his tenure.
Toscanini was an emotional man and the legendary outbursts arise from this. He hugged even his household staff and Chotzinoff, his nominal boss, whose terror at the chaos engendered by Toscanini’s mood swings is another reason the book is a memorable account.
Toscanini: An Intimate Portrait, published by Knopf in 1956.
Invasion of personal space? God, you people are so neurotic. If you don’t want to hug, just say it’s not your thing. No need to get into anything else.
You could say you’re currently being treated for Parisian bedbug infestation