Dear Alma, Am I too young to get an apology?
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
I am a public school orchestra director. I am pretty young, I graduated a couple of years ago, and then got a job (really nice one) in the city where I graduated. The person who had the job before me had been here for a long while and is very respected, for good reason. When I was up for the job, a couple of local music people thought I wasn’t good enough or experienced enough to take over and they had petitions and threw a big fuss, but I got the job anyway. I am doing great and the program is flourishing. These people never apologized and I see them around town. What should I do? Mention how well it’s going or just ignore them or ask for an apology? It really annoys me.
Doin’ Great
Dear Doin’ Great,
Congratulations! Sounds like you got a dream job, and right out of school, in a place you like. Just like being in school, in the real world there will always be uncomfortable situations, bitter people, and unkind words spoken. I am glad that you are finding success and fulfillment in your job. That’s the most important thing.
My advice? Let your good work speak for itself. Asking for an apology would show that you care about those people and their opinions. And you don’t, or you shouldn’t, in any case. For them to apologize it would have to mean that they admit that they were wrong. Unlikely. They are probably very embarrassed, actually.
Doin’ Great, just keep doing what you are doin’, and hold your head up high. Your work speaks for itself.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Hello ‘Doin’ Great’,
Why should they apologize?
Remember: doing great is not the same as being great.
Pff
Very sound advice.
Speaks volumes about the mindset of a rising generation. Apparently you can be owed an apology for an opinion.
One is never too young to get an apology. The real problem, however, is that you obviously feel you are owed one, and that I’m afraid could indeed be a sign of youth and immaturity. People have a right to their opinions, and being liked or recognized is not a birthright. The sooner you can learn to detach yourself from what other people think, the better off you will be. Apologies, for the most part, are utterly worthless anyway, unless they are sincerely meant and come from the heart, and that is a once-in-a-lifetime rarity, because it takes a very big person as well as a great heart to issue a genuine apology, and most people simply aren’t capable of that. Most apologies are really empty social gestures merely meant to diffuse tension. There is a very important quote by Maya Angelou: “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” In other words, we often believe what we want to believe, and often refuse to believe what doesn’t soothe our egos, which nowadays tend to get way too expansive. Your disappointment is really more of a reflection of where you are within your personal journey. An apology would not change a thing as to other’s people true opinion — it would merely be gratifying to you on a narcissistic level, which is exactly what you might need to work on. The world has been filled with remarkably accomplished people who often were ignored and sometimes even ridiculed — and yet, they still pursued their important work, some of them among our greatest artists in history. Instead of expecting apologies, try placing your particular situation in a wider, more universal perspective, and realize the very relative, and somewhat minimal, importance of your particular situation.