Dear Alma, I’ve got feelings for my stand partner
OrchestrasDear Alma,
I have been a member of an amateur orchestra for a number of years. My standpartner and I are both retired, married, with kids long gone. We have developed a special bond and things have become heated lately. What if this person is my soul-mate? Should we explore the relationship or just let it simmer, as it has been for years.
In the Hot Seat
Dear In the Hot Seat,
Being attracted to another person in a working environment, even when in a healthy, loving relationship, is entirely normal. This attraction, however, has been fostered in an unnatural circumstance. It is impossible to tell if your mutual bond would flourish in the real world. What to do with these urges? There is no clear answer, but I can give you some things to chew on.
Before you take even one more little bitty baby step, you need to ascertain if your attraction is mutual. Otherwise you are just stepping in an imaginary pile of poop. Do you have the nerve to bring this up to your friend? If not, then maybe you lack of resolve will tell you something about the depth of your own commitment.
If you find out that the interest is mutual, why not go out for coffee with this person, keeping in mind that your bottled up sexual tension will not give you an entirely clear answer. Of course, taking your friendship to the next level potentially permanently will alter your relationship with your spouse, kids and possible future grandkids. Is it worth it? 99% of the time the answer is no.
In the Hot Seat, you wrote to me, and must know that I am very open minded. I would never stand in the way of someone reaching for the statistically improbable. You may be right – this person may make your twilight years your most cherished ones yet. Only you can decide if you are willing to make the sacrifice.
Good luck!
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Soulmates. How many marriages end in divorce? Presumably most of those divorcees were soulmates on their wedding day.
I cannot say much about marriage, since I’ve been married only once, but it seems to me that soul mates are more likely to come about after a long time in a trajectory and not at the beginning.
“The Book of Life begins with two lovely people in a beautiful garden, but it concludes with Revelations.” Oscar Wilde
Perhaps one should say: they merely thought or felt that they were soulmates.
They were soulmates for a time. What’s wrong with that?
I wish I got a stand partner I could have feeling for. The life of a PA is a lonely one, with all these people pressing her, correcting her, and complaining on the phone
Sally
Don’t get your honey where you get your money.
The viola players have very active imaginations, and way too much free time.
The correspondent does not mention in the inquiry the spouse with whom he/she exchanged vows including “for better or worse,” let alone “till death do us part.” Is the marriage unhappy? Would it mean nothing to the other if the correspondent discovered she/he had a new soulmate and scarpered? Is he/she just contemplating an affair, or actually thinking about ditching the partner of enough years to have raised adult children?
At least “Alma” realises that precipitate action might “alter your relationship with your spouse.” Worth a thought, Hot Seat occupant. I’m not proposing staying in a relationship that is causing real unhappiness, but surely there are moral considerations, too. Starting with subjecting a partner of several decades in his/her twilight years to living alone.
This sounds like a very congenial and sympathetic working relationship, which could coexist with a long marriage. It is not surprising to feel a frisson with someone with whom one has long shared an interest and proximity. But it is not a given that such an infatuation should be turned into something irrevocable.
[But it is not a given that such an infatuation should be turned into something irrevocable.]
Indeed, it doesn’t have to be. Free love is civilization. Let’s grow up, already.