Dear Alma, My violin teacher keeps calling
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
My new violin professor likes to call and text more than email to the point where he will expect me to answer if he decides to call on the weekend. I don’t even know how he got my phone number – I didn’t give it to him. I would definitely prefer communication via school email and not have the expectation that I answer immediately especially on weekends. Do you have any suggestions for how to communicate this? I don’t think he will be happy to know that I prefer not to receive this many calls.
Feeling Pressure
Dear Feeling Pressure,
Reading this gives me pause. On paper, it has the odor of grooming – a powerful person building a personal, special relationship which they hope will lead to any number of potential harmful behaviors. Some signs of grooming are creating confusion over the lines of your relationship, and crafting a unique and close feeling above and beyond a typical student/teacher relationship.
Let’s hope this is not the case, but rather just an energetic and involved teacher. I am glad you wrote in, and not a moment too late.
How about just being super straight forward. Something like (sent from your school email):
Dear Professor ****,
I am enjoying the year, and appreciate your guidance and support. I have a small favor to ask. I would prefer to keep our correspondence through the school email (rather than via text or phone). I am personally not very comfortable on the phone, and texting can be stressful as well. My weekends and evenings are my time to reboot and refocus, and I try to keep them as empty of extra school obligations as realistically possible. Thank you for considering this and I look forward to seeing you next week at our lesson.
Feeling Pressure, I would keep track of the correspondence and make an appointment with your Dean to let them know about your concerns. Hopefully this email will take care of it, but best to have a first foot forward with potentially dicey situations like this.
Keep your wits about you – being a student isn’t easy, and it’s a great time to start to stand up for yourself and learn ways of navigating unequal power dynamics. Think deeply about your next moves, protect yourself, and get the education you deserve from your institution.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I disagree.
I think that it would be better to refer the matter to the Dean immediately.
Feeling Pressure could ask the Dean to clarify communication protocols at the college, and then inform him/her about the pattern of communication which is crossing the line.
FP should also inform the Dean that s/he is not aware of having given out his/her phone number (after thinking hard about how the prof. might have got it).
It might be possible to transfer to another teacher…
As a 12 year old, I studied violin with Samuel (“From the Canebrake”) Gardner. (I believe it was around the time he received a Best Teacher award from ASTA.)
After I would play something, he would kiss me on the lips. (My parents were German immigrants and didn’t hug me, much less kiss me.) I felt uncomfortable, so the next time he leaned over to kiss me I took a large step backward, causing his kiss to land in the air. He screamed at me,”Get out! Go home! Never come back!”
No, I do not know where the kisses were leading (didn’t stick around to find out.) To the person above: stand your ground. Make your boundaries clear. If you lose the teacher, it’s the teacher’s loss, not yours. I wish you all the best.
It is not clear if this teacher is actually new at the school or just new to you. If the latter, the school is probably long aware of any such habits, and has felt no issue with them. Surely, those behaviors would be commented on often. The school chose not to interfere. So, taking the other case where this is a teacher new to the school, it’s a different situation. He is outside your acceptable boundaries and you feel it’s intrusive. Before anything else, I would discreetly ask around to put this in a fair context. Find out if he is the same way with all his students, including male, only certain females, or just you. That is revealing of his motivation. Then you need to know if this is common practice at your school-part of the school culture. Would department brass take your situation seriously, or tell you your not motivated enough, as unfair as that would be? Also, is he a “star” professor immune to most criticism? There is much to consider. If he is at all reasonable, just asking politely but firmly should be enough. I wish you well. Music is a tough major!
No Alma, this is a stalker. You report him immediately. Sounds like the oddball dork that was terminated at Indiana University. Probably would flunk a high level security clearance screening too.
I would not use the words ‘small favor to ask’. It is not a favor to require a teacher to respect professional boundaries. This is a definite red flag situation, even from an ‘energetic and involved teacher’. What is he calling and texting about so frequently? The fact that the student believes he won’t be happy if they let him know that they don’t feel comfortable suggests a controlling element that must be called out. I feel Alma’s suggested wording is inclined to be over-explanatory rather than straightforward and too likely to trigger questions from the teacher at the next lesson: ‘why are you uncomfortable on the phone? why is texting stressful? Etc.
Also don’t thank him for ‘considering’ this. It leaves it too open ended. Keep it brief, courteous but not too warm, and absolutely clear.
Perhaps the student could ask the teacher’s other students if they have a similar experience?The student should definitely fix to meet the Dean/Department Head – whomever you have been advised to ask when in difficulty – in person and show them the email and explain why they have sent it. Keep all the texts and log the calls until they stop. As Alma says, this may resolve it but if a teacher thinks this is OK behaviour, I have my doubts.
It is normal for published staff/student guidelines to warn against this sort of communication.
Very good to have asked for help in an awkward situation.