Dear Alma, Do I tell his new squeeze that my ex is dying?
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I have been married for many years and have college-aged children. We have been members of the same orchestra for nearly this whole time. One year ago, he was diagnosed with a slow-moving but terminal disease, which has very few symptoms so far. We have kept this information between the two of us, not even sharing it with our kids.
After the diagnosis, he began to search out young women in the orchestra and had a series of affairs. He presented me with divorce papers last week, which I signed. I happen to know he has already asked a much younger member of the orchestra to marry him and she has accepted. Of course I am hurt, but secretly relieved to be rid of someone so callous and frankly, to not have the burden of taking care of him for the last 10 years of his life.
My question – do I have an obligation to let this young woman know about his diagnosis? I do feel for her – she is young and inexperienced, and this will take over her entire life. If I were to tell her, how would I go about that?
Sincerely,
Getting Played
Dear Getting Played,
Well, good for you for signing that divorce paper. I hope you got everything you wanted in the settlement and more. Terminal diagnosis affects relationships in surprising ways, and it seems as if your ex-husband views it as a final “hurrah”. Some exciting bedroom romps, ta-ta to my wife of ** years, the possibility of starting a new family, and finding a young clueless person to take care of him as he slowly passes into the next realm.
How painful this must be for you, for your kids, and ultimately for his new spouse. In my opinion, you have no obligation towards this new fiancé. It may be the best thing, emotionally, for you to truly divorce yourself from this situation, turning a blind eye to everything that happens from now on concerning this manipulative man. But, in some ways, wouldn’t it be just the right cure for your own mental health to stick that knife into his back, quickening his demise, and letting him feel a little of the pain he has inflicted on you?
If you do feel like finding a way to protect this fiancé (and of course it is possible that she already knows, although unlikely), make sure you are very discreet. Do not let on to him that anything is amiss. One way you could let her know is by leaving an anonymous note in her mailbox, printed from a printer not at your home. A very simple note. “Gary has been diagnosed with a terminal illness” or something along those lines. I would not speak to her or anyone else about this diagnosis.
But the most important thing here, Getting Played, is that you have not gotten played. You are out of a relationship where the person treated you with no respect as soon as their own situation changed. You are free to start a new life. Take that, and run with it.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Wait until after the cheat and bimbo are married before sending the note, do it before and she may bolt leaving him looking for a shoulder…..Yours
Her shoulder is no longer available. The young woman deserves to know the truth. The sooner the better.
Don’t put the young woman in the same category as the deceitful ex husband.
fiancé needs an ‘e’ at the end
This is terrible advice. If this is indeed a real letter, might I suggest the writer read through old columns of the NY Times’ Ethicist for inspiration? (Reckon Alma might benefit from reading the Ethicist as well)
This is what is wrong with society. Would you not mention to her also if he had been abusive? It’s our obligation to share this information. What would your advice be – do nothing? How has that worked for the world up until now? This is good solid, logical advice. Alma offered two options – one to do nothing, and one to do something. How can you possibly disagree with that? Pretend to do something?
Sorry to say it but this is yet another letter that seems to be all but unbelievable !
It has happened in my orchestra.
I wish it were so. If you look up statistics, you will see a shocking number of men who leave their wives after a cancer diagnosis. It’s the same thing here – looking to hoodwink someone into taking care of you. No morals.
I think they more likely just want to finally get laid a bit in the last months of their lives.
‘Alma’s’ second paragraph is pure bad karma. If this story is real (and that’s a big ‘if’), the soon-to-be ex-wife should just get out and move on.
She doesn’t want the new young wife to be trampled on. I wouldn’t either! I have had enough of ending up with terrible men who people could have warned me about. Let’s have the women stick together.
Bad Karma? She advises to do nothing. Then she gives an alternate scenario. Bad Karma is not telling someone they are marrying a manipulator.
An “anonymous” note, aside from its distasteful aspect, is hardly likely to remain anonymous for long given how few people this situation has been discussed with.
This guy sounds like a class A jerk, but the only decent thing to do would be for the wife to ask him outright if he has told his new intended of his condition, and, if not, she will. The young woman, whose own moral position is also precarious, given she willingly went with a married man, is still apparently naive, and does not deserve to be hoodwinked — nobody does.
Not a lot of honour in this crowd, is there. And even less in the position of the so-called agony aunt.
If she says that to the ex husband, he will say she is legally not allowed to disclose medical information. Then she is stuck. No point in talking to the ex. He has no morals and would have done the right thing already if he was going to. She should def. let the new girlfriend know. But not reveal herself.
The agony aunt says to let the young woman know. That is the honorable thing to do here.
Terrible advice! This woman should mind her own business, as she is now divorced from the Terminally-ill ex-husband. Let it go. You no longer have any rights in this man’s life, whether he treated you badly or not. And, you cannot assume that the younger woman does not know about his illness. Get a new life of your own!
I think she feels a moral obligation to let this person know that she is marrying a deceitful person. I agree with Alma. I wish more people would mention bad past behaviors. It would save a lot of people hurt and pain.
Would you want to know if the man you are marrying lies? I would.
If your husband was abusive would you let the Fiance know? I hope so.
I have to feel some sympathy for the callous husband’s diagnosis, if not for his behaviour. My brother has just died after such a diagnosis and it is a hard process to go through.
But the newly ex-wife now has no responsibility to her previous husband, and certainly not to his new fiancée. It won’t be helpful to communicate anything. However she still has responsibility to their children who are going to find both the diagnosis and the divorce hard to handle, I think that all her thinking about appropriate communication should be directed to them.
It’s a similar story to one at my current work-place…..not a good ending for anyone.
Just possibly the terminally-ill soon to be ex-husband didn’t want to spend the last 10 years of his life with someone who is “relieved to be rid of him” and “the burden of taking care of him”.
And are they all still playing in the same orchestra?
Dear Alma,
My teacher made a public display of me in studio class today and I froze with nervousness. He was not happy with my intonation and instead of phrasing it in a constructive manner, he said “you played it in tune before why are you so out of tune today? Did you practice?”
I don’t know how to answer or respond to leading questions like that in lessons and especially in front of my colleagues.
Please help!
Traumatized Musician
Dear Alma,
I am going to be a senior music performance major soon and my professor will only let me apply to the school I go to and continue with him or conservatories that don’t offer funding. I feel trapped! How can I apply to other state schools without his recommendation? To make connections and for a new experience, I need to get out of this school.
Yours truly,
Trapped