Dear Alma, My violist lover says I’ve been coercive
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
Your post last week on sexual fantasies on orchestral tour prompts me to share a personal dilemma.
For six or seven years, I’ve had an understanding with a member of the viola section that, when on tour, we spend the nights together. Both of us are married, with children. Neither of our spouses know. It’s cosy a little secret we share and it makes the often arduous and lonely business of touring that bit less uncomfortable.
I’m the concertmaster, by the way.
Here’s my problem: I’m fed up with the orchestra and have been offered a professorship in a big city. It’s a well-paid job and it ought to see me through to retirement. My wife and kids are excited about the move. My viola lover is not. She says that if I leave her she will go public on our long relationship which, she now claims, was coercive. Her version is that she, as an Asian string player, could not refuse a concertmaster’s sexual overture.
Where do I go from here?
Bowing out
Dear Bowing out,
The biggest problem I see in your inquiry is that you don’t seem to realize how quickly and spectacularly your life could explode.You are in a potentially very volatile situation here. From the outside, I must say, it doesn’t look good for you. You are in a position of power, sleeping with a subordinate, and she can easily claim that you suggested that this affair would be good for her job status, or any number of similar claims. When a senior member of an organization has an affair with a less powerful member, the complications of favoritism, conflict of interest, and unequal power dynamics are all ingredients which can put an ugly spotlight on the more powerful person. You would have the arduous task of defending yourself in what looks like a pretty dicey situation. You could even lose your new teaching job before it even starts. Or worse.
Any direction you chose, even staying in your current situation and turning down the teaching job, is now dangerous. She has the upper hand here. Tread carefully. I would immediately consult a lawyer to discuss your options. I am not a lawyer but maybe there is some way your lawyer can find a way to settle with her and have her sign a non-disclosure.
Bowing out, I don’t know if you are guilty or innocent. You think you are innocent, that this was consensual. Regardless of how you feel about it, the cards are stacked against you and this could easily destroy your family, current job, new job, and any hopes of a smooth road to retirement.
It’s a ticking time bomb. Don’t waste another moment. Get to a lawyer and protect your livelihood and family, as much as you possibly can, as quickly as you can.
Do it now. Right now.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Of course, she is NOT being coercive on threatening to go public and all thast if you leave her…
I have been married over 50 years.
I have never looked at another woman.
That is how it should be.
Cudos!
I could not say something similar, I don’t have much experience with marriage, I’ve been married only once.
Sally
“It’s cosy a little secret we share and it makes the often arduous and lonely business of touring that bit less uncomfortable.”
For comfort, wear comfy shoes.
Otherwise, fear of God and loving your family would prevent a show and living in a lie.
OK where is the viola joke guy when you need him?
She probably has little Richard in various pictures too….
Six or seven years and it’s coercive? Her job was not in danger after that much time. She is also married with children, so by going public she risks losing a lot. This affair also has nothing to do with any future university job, so it doesn’t apply. Just don’t get involved with a student. And she couldn’t say no because she is Asian? BS.
1. “Had an understanding”?
2. She also has a marriage and kids. Is she prepared to explode those, too?
3. Her logic would not survive a deposition by a competent attorney. She is accusing you of the relationship, such as it was, of being coercive, yet she is threatening you because you may be ending it?
4. For Heaven’s sake, do you people never learn? If you must not sleep alone on tour, do what the jocks do: call a pro. Strictly business, no emotional situations.
That is and awfully big word for a violist…