Dear Alma, I’m unfaithful when on tour
OrchestrasDear Alma,
I am happily married, with two college-aged children and a husband I love and am compatible with. My problem? I keep finding myself in desperate crushes with people at work. I can’t stop thinking about them and I am sure they notice. Especially when we are on tour, and a certain number of orchestral members use these moments to hook up with each other or find people outside of orchestra, I find it hard to resist the urge to splurge. Recently one of my crushes asked me to a drink after orchestra and I couldn’t resist.
How am I supposed to keep faithful to my dear husband when there is such opportunity at work?
Please advise,
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Nothing is more exciting than a crush. Overwhelming, obsessive, all-consuming. And if you are in a committed relationship, those secret feelings are most likely mixed up with all kinds of opposite emotions – guilt, fear, secrecy.
The good news here is that a majority of people experience crushes at work our outside of their home relationship. It’s entirely normal, and it’s a matter of being logical and following some basic tips to work your way back to your regular self.
The feelings you are feeling are hormonal – the mix of serotonin, adrenaline and dopamine – be cognizant of the fact that your body is reacting in a concrete manner to a fantasy, and take a step back to analyze your crush in a logical way.
You are in a committed relationship, but this doesn’t mean you are dead – you have fantasies and ups and downs just like everyone else. Try not to engage in flirtatious conversation with your crush – give it space to cool down. And it most likely will. Allow yourself to think about it – avoiding it won’t make it go away – but also don’t engage in escalating the crush. Having butterflies in your stomach around someone who isn’t your spouse doesn’t mean you aren’t in a happy relationship, no partner can fulfill every need of another, so it’s natural to imagine and look for other places to find excitement.
That being said, find ways to work you way back to normal. Maybe a list of what you know about your crush and what you don’t. And a list of what you can do to fill the holes in your current relationship with the excitement you are missing.
One trick I have used in the past is to take clear nail polish and paint my toenails. By the time the nail polish has grown off my big toe, that crush is usually gone. I enjoy looking down at my big toes and feeling that feeling disappear as the polish disappears. This silly method has never failed me.
Conflicted, workplace affairs will never positively affect your long-term work environment. Keep it clean and clear, and be thankful for your happy home life. You need to give it time and space, and realize that your feelings are a gateway to learn more about yourself and your committed relationship.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
This is terrible advice!!
Great advice – yes you can outwait a crush.
It just can run it’s course if you give it space and don’t flame the fire. Everyone gets them. Everyone. It’s just how well you can control yourself.
Alma is right – it’s just a temporary crush. It’s natural. I read somewhere that 76% of people say they develop crushes at work. You can’t avoid it but you can control it.
The sooner you develop a plan to deal with crushes the better. You can develop any kind. But no plan is failure for certain.
Having a crush is similar to reading a spicy novel or looking at spicy media – it is a fantasy. There is no need to share this with your partner, you are allowed your fantasies (and they can enliven your relationship). But just like looking at media, it is a fantasy, and not reality. Just find ways to keep it that way.
John Titor… what would a time traveler know about such things? 😀
What is your advice? Go for it? Alma’s is good advice and I don’t see that you are offering any alternative besides saying you don’t like it.
The nail polish on toenails suggestion makes me suspect Dear Alma is actually Sally. If not, Sally would be the perfect stand-in when Alma runs off with a 12-year-old Finnish conductor.
Or put a marker on a calendar for 6 weeks. It will go away in that amount of time.
The thoughts may well be unavoidable, but you avoid finding yourself from a bar, and a whole lot of other places, by having faith.
Yes, you can, as it is written:
MARK 9: 24 “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”
Most won`t.
Instead of asking strangers on the internet such questions and asking for their (obviously) stupid advice – talk to your husband and repeat the same thing you wrote here, and go to therapy
I would NOT tell my wife or husband! Just figure out a way to deal with it. They will become worried and paranoid every time you go on tour. You don’t need to stress them out with your problems. They also have crushes on people. It’s normal.
That’s because the people who work with you are too awesome, i’m no artist but the same thing had happened to me a lot, until finally i settled with the job where only totally unattractive jerks could get hired. Not the option for an orchestra player i guess:)
Everyone gets crushes on people at work. It’s the basis for every single comedy on tv.
Take it from me, as unbelievable as it sounds, a time is coming very soon where the only people finding you attractive will be funeral plan salesmen and your strongest desire will be to undo the mistakes you debased yourself and others with.
Tours are also where most alleged sexual harassments and assaults happen. People think they’re on vacation, drink too much and let their guard down.
Think of England.
Get it on and keep your mouth shut. And stop saying how happily married you are!
I have that too but I apply my nail polish on the keys of the keyboard which helps me quicker than my toes because I’m not alowed to wear open shoes here. My crushes are never at work but on my way home from concerts, being liberated from duty!
Sally
I strongly suspect this is a fake post by “Conflicted.” It would be very uncharacteristic for a woman to write a post with that tone even if she were philandering. And even stranger is the response by “Alma” which seems unprofessional for someone posturing themselves as a psychologist or adviser of some sort. The ultimate effect of “Conflicted’s” post is misogynistic and I suspect that was the intent of the author.
Agree totallly with William Osborne. Original post and advice in the response are bordering on the ridiculous! Yes, of course most people get occasional crushes. Perhaps we even consider a “what if?” scenario. But if we are “happily married”, “love my husband” and have children, controlling such crushes and remaining faithful should be second nature. I suggest the writer (fake or otherwise) watch the Michael Douglas/Glenn Close movie “Fatal Attraction” and just reverse the roles!