Dear Alma, Why is it never a woman?
NewsFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
WTF?
Making news in just the last week. Enough is enough. We have been patient, working hard against a wall of male privilege, getting passed over for jobs, pinched, assaulted and worse, demeaned, and last week a commenter confirmed our deepest fears – waiting for us to give birth so they can take our jobs. Enough of patience. Enough of forgiveness. Enough. Enough. Enough. It’s never about a woman. And I dare anyone to list one. Just try me. I am about a centimeter away from losing it. I am done with it and so everyone should be.
Bill VerMuelen
Liang Wang
Alex Klein
Francois-Xavier Roth
Slavko Popovic
Latham-Koenig
Matthew Muckey
WTF, Alma?
Dear WTF,
Yes. Sick to death of it all. The first time it happened, at age 5, with a dad at a social event touching my hair, telling me how pretty I was. And every day since then. The comments, the standing too close, belittling our talents, the incessant scenes in movies or books. Some things are minuscule, but they are of course tied to the larger events – the time when I was 10 and chased around a pool table by a college boy in my teacher’s basement, waiting for my lesson. Heart pounding and running for my life. For the unwanted physical contacts, the teachers asking me to meet them in their hotel rooms.
And the times when we should have said something. Of the men listed above, surely there were observers, hints, people who could and should have said something. And I should have pushed back. But I was taught to be nice, to be polite, and told (just like all of the victims of the alleged perpetrators above) that their careers would suffer, not to make a mountain out of a molehill.
But here we are. Molehill on top of molehill, mountains of molehills, with our feet being caught in the holes, sucking us down and covering us with the dirt of the next molehill. Our lives are a neverending string bull-s*** moments. It’s not a joke. It’s a blanket of crap.
WTF – we hear you. We have all worked hard, practiced our fingers raw, entered the competitions and auditions, and had to do it all knowing we live in an unequal world that will never, ever give us the equality we deserve.
I read the accounts of women who have been through it. And I feel every word, in my bones, because I have been there too. The misbelief, the disorientation, the embarrassment. We digest it, minimize it, smile and play our notes. It’s an ugly, nauseating stain, one that we can’t wash away. We are used to it. As sick as that sounds. We are.
The comments by guys, saying we should have scratched, slapped, spoken up sooner. Throwing dirt in the faces of women who have been dealing with this since they were children.
I am sick if it. We all are. And it is a societal sickness, one that expects women to be doorstops. Men – are you wondering why we won’t shut up about it? Why you are being thrown in prison, losing your jobs, and ending up in the media? Because we are all WTF, and you should be too.
Sincerely,
Exhausted Alma
Anyone who works in the business knows that there certainly are also highly-placed women who are bullies and even sexual abusers. And that no-one speaks out about them – and they continue to win awards, be praised as “inspirational” etc – because it’s a narrative that no-one particularly wants to hear or believe.
I can think of two.
Links to articles please?
Articles please?
Who please? Or if not a name, a story? We need someone here to refute the notion that only men have done these things. So far no one can. Please stand up for men and show us that this article has a false premise by posting any article about a woman who has done something similar in classical music.
We are taking here of instances which result in job loss, jail time and litigation. I am ready for a list. Maybe just start with those listed in the past week on Slipped Disc. I am ready to see it.
Of course. I’ve known lots of aggressive women. And lots of very poor female bosses.
Jim – you would not make a good lawyer for these accused men.
“Of course. I’ve known lots of aggressive women. And lots of very poor female bosses.”
That’s only because women’s essential empathetic and caring nature still can’t shine through the toxic masculinity that most of them have to adopt to get anywhere.
That’s correct. If I weren’t toxic, I would not be working here.
Sally
Any that lost jobs or got sued or out in jail? Please elaborate to prove your point.
Prove it. We all want to hear it.
I am waiting for anyone here to post any story of a woman behaving badly in a work environment, resulting in firing, litigation, or jail time. I am waiting.
In my experience, the vast majority of women don’t do this kind of thing, but it does occur. I had a female boss for a few years who liked to give hugs, and I was the unwilling recipient a time or two. She shouldn’t have done it, but that’s as far as she went. Far more disturbing things have happened to others.
A number of female teachers (although not in music) have engaged in extremely inappropriate behavior with underage boys. Mary Kay Letourneau is probably the best-known. I’m reluctant to mention other names, but you can do a search for “female teachers as sexual predators” or “teacher admits to sexually abusing minor.” Another item: https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/women-sex-offenders-rise-over-18834669
There was a story from 2022 (details are easy to find online but I’d rather not mention a name) involving a female chorus teacher in Pennsylvania who had an inappropriate relationship with a female student.
Inappropriate same-sex relationships aren’t the focus of this article, but I know of a male university professor (music) several years ago who was involved with another man, a graduate student in another department. He was fired and switched occupations.
I’m being fired often, but I simply come back and resume work. It’s a matter of mentality.
Sally
Still waiting for ANYONE who disagrees with the above to post ANY article about ANY woman accused of anything similar. Waiting. Waiting waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Seems America and Canada have problems….
Ummmm. Really? Gosh that’s so sad that patriarchy is in only America and Canada. Let’s all move to a place where there isn’t any!
Generalisations are rarely helpful.
So vaguely stated, Walter. It’s not a generalization. Go ahead and prove the premise incorrect. Clearly and precisely, please. Names and articles. Waiting……
When these men appear in court and are prosecuted is the time for 3rd parties to call them out. For all anyone knows they may indeed be guilty of something. I object to the underlying idea this article promotes that all man are flawed – if you or others believe this it’s them that have a problem. I suspect this won’t sit well with you but we are living in a very strange time when everyone must be blamed for something.
I also don’t believe it’s that much of a problem, and that women are often partly to blame for it — such as initially responding to the men and then getting angry at them later.
What about the woman whose drink was allegedly drugged at the NY Phil and then allegedly assaulted? Her fault, partially? She probably taunted them, waving her drink in their faces, saying “I dare you to drop something in here!!!”
List any women in similar situations please. Then we can talk.
Have you heard of patriarchy? It’s pretty popular.
Dear Walter,
If you are seriously interested in understanding this issue you may like to take the time to read “Whose story is this?” by Rebecca Solnit. It is a comprehensive account of the ways that women are treated at every level, from the individual, the social, the global. How did Weinstein prosper? He had a lot of complicit helpers. And he is just one recognisable name of many. And while we’re on that topic, have you ever noticed how the likes of HW are treated as exceptions. Many women will tell you otherwise. But, of course, we treated women as being emotional and subjective. So it goes on.
US and western culture thrives on assumptions that it is men that matter.
“When you’re a star, they let you do it” vs “When you’re nobody, it’s hard to stop them from doing it”
Oh, and have you noticed (of course you haven’t) how Prince Andrew has conveniently disappeared from the headlines? Funny that.
https://www.amazon.com/Whose-Story-This-Conflicts-Chapters/dp/1642590185
In addition, the present dialogue suggests that women are never guilty of anything and live their lives as perfect saints. I, for one, existed in an organisation where a woman pursued men in a different way – to lose them their jobs by false accusations (not related to sexual misdemeanour). This insidious behaviour could be seen as a feminine trait but do you see what I did there? It starts to become generalised, hence my first comment. Treating one gender in its entirety as somehow blameworthy is just irrational.
That’s what I find so annoying about all of the angst that surrounds these stories, that women are helpless vessels in life and have no say in anything. And that they never, ever seem capable of initiating an action.
You need to back up your statement with some facts. It’s general and we need to see proof. Women being fired or reprimanded for sexual behaviors, fined or sued. This is a fact that ,en are being fired and sued for this. Provide proof.
As we should all know, men and women are not the same. The nature of masculine and feminine means you are not going to find women operating in this way – it’s very rare. We also have an industry that has been male -dominated for as long as anyone can remember. Feminine issues will surface differently – just give it time.
Looking at the names listed above I note that Roth has admitted his appalling behaviour. Some of the others are subject to much hearsay and particularly from one person. It’s very difficult for any of us to know the real truth. All I know is there is a passion for these issues on which people who have no connection with events seem to thrive.
There are no women who are being blamed for any of this. It’s not hidden information. These are people posting things online. If a woman did this, please let us know. Otherwise you don’t have a leg to stand on with your comment.
many posters here conveniently miss my main point – this article casts ALL men as rogues, transgressors. I object to that – I doubt I am alone in these columns.
The danger in these constant generalisations is to conclude that ALL men are flawed. Actually, there is a (hopefully) small minority who seem to sincerely believe this so those of us who behave perfectly decently are tarred with the same brush.
Please realise that ‘Not all men are like this’ is not a move you are allowed to make. It’s one of those moves whereby men prop up the patriarchy, somewhat in the way in which some defences against sexual assault are not allowed, on the groujnds that they are ‘rape myths’.
Well, it’s probably best for me to bow out of this discussion now. Truth is truth and not saying what you believe and ‘playing the game’ are not places where I wish to go.
Thank you, Paul. Well-said. It’s a systemic problem. No one is saying everyone is either a perpetrator or victim. We are talking about a larger problem.
I first read Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex when I was 16 and it was a book that changed my life. I have encouraged all my children, sons and daughters, to read it.
It was a book that didn’t just open my eyes to the mechanisms of patriarchy but allowed me to extrapolate her brilliant thesis to all forms of genetic discrimination. Of course you need to bring intelligence and empathy to the book.
It is the job of us all to destroy these bigoted sicknesses by creating and maintaining a culture where these diseases cannot flourish because they cannot survive exposure.
I am optimistic for the younger generations. Despite the virulent disease of online mind-pollutants like Andrew Tate, in general the young still have a strong sense of justice and are much more vocal and much more willing to challenge authority in solidarity with each other than in previous generations. Hence the hopefully career-ending exposure of these repellant dinosaurs listed in WTF’s letter is becoming a regular, normalised event.
But it is the job of us all to defend us all. Progress requires vigilance and zero-tolerance of those who would exploit their power, real or perceived, for their own twisted ends.
Yes let’s hope that it’s the older generation. The NY Phil boys aren’t very old…..ask younger people and you will find the same answers but I truly hope you are correct.
I find them to be extremely sanctimonious and self-righteous to the point of intolerance. They’re also prissy about everything now too — everything’s culpable, everything’s potentially blameworthy. It’s a terrible combination.
Drugging someone’s drink and assaulting them. It’s real.
Yes – that sanctimonious woman who had her drink drugged and got assaulted! How prissy she is! What does she have to complain about? She gets to be in the NY Phil, she probably didn’t even practice, just showed some leg and got in. Woman have it so easy. Those poor men who allegedly drugged her really got duped.
Simone de Beauvoir is a good example: Did she not seduce, manipulate and pimp minors and other women ( like the one hiding from the Germans who could not just go away)?
I love that the only woman so far that has been listed as a potential equal to the list above is Simone de Beauvoir. That’s a classic. Go Yaron, represent!
Whoa, you’re seriously mixing up people and acts that are not remotely morally equivalent, common only because they are men and they appear on Slippedisc, I can assure you the world is not lacking in evil women doing evil deeds including a bunch of female pedophiles and infanticidal mothers who were just recently sentenced, even if they don’t appear on this site.
Get a grip and get a mirror,
Tu la connais, lectrice, ce monstre délicat,
– Hypocrite lectrice, – ma semblable, – ma soeur !
Back up your assertion with any kind of fact you can. This was written by a musician and the names were taken from this website. We are not opening this up to the Unabomber and others. Find any mention of a female losing their job over mistreatment on this website in the past month. Also find the men. List them here and we can both look in the mirror. Or directly into each others eyes. If you have a daughter I hope you are raising her with awareness.
Because men rarely complain about women unless it becomes psychopathic.
Facts please. Back it up. Otherwise you are part of the problem. Hot air.
Complain? Is that what a lawsuit is? Aha. I got it now, Jim. People complaining about sexual assault. Men should really start to stand up for themselves and complain about being assaulted. Why are they so shy and scared of speaking up? Maybe that’s why there are no accounts anywhere of them being mistreated. Because they are shy.
Unlike you, I believe in due process and the rule of law and allowing both sides to be heard (yes, even the voice of the accused women perpetrators matter), so I will not “list them here” (there are at least 5, all of which were snuffed out with NDAs) just to satisfy your salacious prurient thirst for details and for public square lynching. I raise my daughters with notions of fairness and justice, something you should try raising your own consciousness.
I think this list is from the last week – from what I can tell it’s 2 me who allegedly raped a woman, some who made gross comments online, one who made revenge porn – one under sexual misconduct allegations – looks like a handful of scum to me. Ready to hear about the two women who raped a man at work, the two women who made gross comments online, the revenge porn woman and the one who fired herself for sexual misconduct. Go ahead and list those. Seems pretty related. It’s not a traffic violation, tax evasion, and a defamation case.
Shouldn’t it be délicate? In your twist of Baudelaire?
“monstre” is a masculine noun, I can change Baudelaire, but I can’t change the rules of French grammar
also, “monstre” refers to the men that the hypocrite women on this site are piling on but are unable to see in themselves
It is ‘la mort’ however.
I’ll just add a few to your list there:
James Levine
Jimmy Savile
Jeffrey Epstein
Girls need to be taught by their fathers how to defend themselves against any kind of assault. Only a man knows where the weak parts of a man are located.
Do what my father did, after a young man in a sports car followed me home from school when I was 12, gunning his engine whenever I came to a cross street. I was terrified to the point of hysteria.
That night, my father gathered my sister and me in the living room and showed us some techniques of jujitsu: the vulnerable places: shins, instep, groin, nose, in that order. He was stopped at how we could kill a man assaulting us by my mother, but the message stuck with me, empowering me, preventing the kinds of things young women encounter all to often. I learned to send the message, “don’t mess with me,” with a hard stare.
No assault, no violence, as a result. An acerbic comment can also defuse un-welcome advances.
“Girls need to be taught by their fathers how to defend themselves against any kind of assault. ”
True. But it’s much more important that boys need to be taught by their fathers not to be over-familiar, self-entitled assholes.
You are correct, in a sense. But why aren’t boys taught to not assault people? In the above story, a 5 year old girl was approached by the dad of a friend. What do you make of that? Why are you focusing on defense instead of avoiding the attack?
I think most women, especially if they are mothers, have a fairly good idea where the weak parts of a man are located! What fathers should also be doing is showing their sons how to behave.
Alma seems to think men sit around in the paneled smoking rooms of their exclusive clubs dressed in tails, top hats and spats thinking of ways to screw over women, BIPOC and LGBTQ+.
Whereas the vast majority of men live lives of unrewarding work, paying for others and getting nothing in return, disappointment, shattered dreams and, for blue-collar guys, debilitating physical pain. Men die on the job at 13 times the rate that women do. Some “male privilege”.
The allegations regularly chronicled on this site are disgusting and, if found true, the men involved deserve the opprobrium they get. Not so long ago, of course, it was generally understood that no gentleman wrote anything to a woman he didn’t want to see in the newspaper the next day, nor would he lay a fingertip on a woman not his wife. But these antique notions were tossed aside as repressive. With the results we see today.
Still, and this may surprise you, most men are quite capable of keeping their hands to themselves and a respectful tongue in their heads. They’re not pawing women (or boys), nor are they sending dick pics. You have to go outside the arts to find them, though.
Most men are fine people who respect women. The arts don’t have a monopoly on nasty behavior.
Whatever is the cause of bad behavior is due to poor parenting by fathers and mothers and teachers when people are children. I suspect the current wave of obtuse behavior everywhere) is partly due to social media, as well as loss of modesty in women’s dress, foul language, and the hostility that comes between the sexes in a highly competitive professional settings such as orchestras, theatres, or financial sectors.
“loss of modesty in women’s dress”
You are not allowed to mention this. The fact that a women chooses to wear a dress that has peekaboo slits that set up sightlines in certain directions is something she is fully entitled to do without men peering along those sightlines.
“You are not allowed to…” That’s the second time you’ve used that phrase. Who are you to dictate to others what is allowed or not? Though I tend to agree with your opinion, this is not a good way to win the argument.
I’m not doing any dictating. I’m referring to dictates by the zeitgeist. If I were doing dictating I wouldn’t say, “You are not allowed…” I would say, “I command you…” It’s too easy and common a move, the who-do-you-think-you-are-dictating-to-others? move.
You know why it’s never about a woman?
You just never hear about it, that’s why, because men are much cooler and more tolerant in general about personal foibles, and don’t make a habit of constantly backbiting. They don’t engage in the same trivialities.
I know very few women who have female friends where there hasn’t been some kind of problem that eventually develops between them. It’s no wonder the workplace has become the same.
If it were true that any women last week were making revenge porn, drugging and assaulting men, or posting inappropriate comments online which lead to their dismissal from work, please let us know. We are curious.
The person circulating thenexplicit photos was a vengeful woman. The initial exchange of photos (however distasteful) was within a relationship in which both parties were consenting adults.
It’s about power imbalance. Men in a position to upend someone’s engagements and career exploiting that in their female (and sometimes male) subordinates – whether sexually or simply their enjoyment of putting someone down.
But it isn’t exclusive to men, there are women in a similar position who exploit subordinates. But in music at least the vast majority of people in positions of entrenched power are male.
An odd choice of picture to accompany this post. Nowadays Alma would be trying to have Atticus Finch disbarred for defending the manifestly-guilty Tom Robinson against the charge of ravishing the pure maiden Mayella Ewell. Because men are just potential rapists, right?
So when a woman is being harassed she should just think to herself “Not all men…” and carry on happily knowing that all is well?
And, men, if you meet a malicious woman you can likewise think “Oh, this is not a normal woman…” and feel comfortable again.
Interesting that Atticus Finch is portrayed in the photo: the summation in the film did play to outdated sexual stereotypes ( not a criticism of the main anti racism theme ).
In a society where men are considered, merely on the basis of their sex, privileged over women, you get this dehumanizing reduction of women to objects. In the same time, where women ‘have to be’ attractive (for men) and a whole industry exists to help them to achieve that goal, more is needed than blaming the men who are so primitive that they answer the calling of their lowest instincts, and of a wrong idea of society.
Either one has to abolish the entire female beauty industry, or create a comparable male beauty industry. But both go against deeply-embedded prejudices. (Interestingly, in the 18th century, there was much less difference in decorum requirements between the sexes.)
The pressure for women to be beautiful comes not from men, but from other women.
No, it comes from other women who are under pressure from men, or from again other women who are under presure of men. Remove all men, and the beauty industry would implode.
I’m never harrassed, by anybody. I begin to fear I’m not an attractive woman. But it can also be because I can harrass myself as well, if necessary. Or maybe it’s because I’m rather big and wearing glasses. I don’t like working for men, but they pay me more than women, generally, while women never correct me while men never stop doing that, or rather: they try, and I fight back.
Sally
In response to a valid point being raised about the countless systematized instances of women being harassed, abused, raped, and disadvantaged in the classical music world, saying “I know some aggressive women in the business” is tone deaf, insensitive, unhelpful, and part of the problem.
Why is it “part of the problem”? Why is it “unhelpful”? Unhelpful to what or whom? As for being “insensitive”,. do you mean that one shouldn’t say such things about ladies, that this isn’t allowed?
a) Many people are obsessed with sex.
b) Bad behaviour involving sex gets headlines.
c) There are more men than women in powerful positions in classical music; power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely.
d) Women in positions of power are just as capable as men of corruption – but their abuses less frequently involve sexual abuse.
I can think of at least one woman in charge of an orchestra who has made SD headlines for bullying (not sexual) behaviour.