Dear Alma, I’m obliged to have sex with the soloist
OperaDear Alma,
For the past two decades I have been the recital pianist for a well-known opera soprano. She’s now pushing sixty and won’t last more than a couple more seasons but her public is large and loyal and no-one – least of all me – is giving her any hint of frailty.
My problem is private. Years ago, on the road, she used to turn to me for comfort sex in dark hotels, a lights-out communion without a word spoken, during or after. I was young and single at the time, and fairly flattered by the attention .
This past season, she has resumed her demands on me. I tell her I am now happily married and unwilling to cheat but she says her physical needs must override my conscience if she is to continue to give the audience of her best.
I have come to dread that time – after concert and dinner – when we get to the hotel and she gives me that look. So, dear Alma, what do I do? I like and respect my diva and I enjoy working with her. The fees are better than I’m getting with anyone else.
But the deal has turned sour and I am, yours truly
one unhappy piano partner
Dear one unhappy piano player,
Mixing work and private life is never simple. It’s messy and fun and awkward and heart-wrenching. Our spur-of-the-moment decisions end up being pivotal, life-changing forever things, holding on to us like a rubber glove.
Why is it so hard to be honest with another person in a relationship? I mean any kind – romantic, friend, family, working. Honest as in, how do I feel about this, not full-disclosure no matter how hurtful it will be to the other person. Not “I’m going to tell her what she needs to hear because I don’t want to hurt her”, but “I need to say what I am feeling, no matter how hard it will be to say”.
Kudos to your partner for coming out and saying what she wants. That’s clear. She says she needs to feel powerful and confident on stage, and she believes resuming your previous sexual relationship will do the trick.
We can’t know what she is thinking, exactly, we can only guess. She certainly doesn’t see that this isn’t an equal, two-way street – that you don’t have the same footing. Or maybe she does see this and is using that power relationship to her advantage. She either doesn’t know that this request is hurting you, or she does and doesn’t care. It’s frustrating, and infuriating, and in recent history, this unequal power dynamic and the games it plays has gotten a lot of people very hurt, very fired, and sometimes very jailed.
My friend, you need to spend a little time thinking about what YOU want. Not what she needs, how this is affecting her career, or being afraid that you will lose her. You clearly have affection for her, but it’s not the same affection that steamed up those dressing room mirrors all those years ago. It’s respect, awe, gratitude, happiness in your work relationship and fulfillment in performance. Tell her this. Be honest, and don’t base your statements on how you think she will react. No matter the outcome, make sure your next steps are ones that fill you with honor and goodness, for all parties concerned.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I’ve never heard of anything like this, involving a viola player.
Come again?
Am I reading this wrong – title is misleading – I think the singer has just asked to rekindle, and the pianist is asking what to do. Not that they are being forced but that’s it’s a topic.
Do violists live until 60?
I smell b******t here. And how would this sound if you reversed the genders?
Not good……
Malcom – it would sound like every woman’s daily life for the past 2,000 years.
If this was about an old/famous tenor and his female young accompanist, oh boy, what a #metoo case that would be.
Exactly – Alma nails it when she says there is potential for Jail Time here.
I don’t know, this seems like the soprano has no respect for you if she keeps asking you to cheat on your partner for the sake of the performance. She could easily find someone else to give her what she believes will help her performance without jeopardizing your marriage. I think you also need to draw a line in the sand on your career when it comes to what you will/won’t tolerate within an artistic partnership
I don’t think this guy has cheated yet – she just asked to restart and he is trying to figure it out. He just neeeds to say no.
Come on now!!!!
You love it.
You wish this bullshit story was about you.
So you’re having sex even though you “dread” it, and it could jeopardize your marriage, in order to hold onto the gig? You’re being sexually harassed.
I don’t know why Alma is praising your harasser for “stating what she wants.” Or speculating about whether or not she knows she’s harassing you. (Here’s a clue: She knows.) I doubt very much Alma would be responding this way if the genders were reversed.
You deserve better than to be treated like this. You have a right to say no to sex you don’t want. You have a right to be treated with respect as an artistic collaborator.
I hope you can internalize those truths and feel empowered to handle this in a way that works best for you, not for your harasser.
Agreed with Hank. He needs to just say no, which is why he wrote in. He didn’t start it up again yet but he needs to talk about it and say no.
They are not back together again – re-read – she has just asked to rekindle. He is contemplating.
Yes Alma said to state their wishes honestly. I hope the pianist takes that advice.
Dear Alma,
No-one in the profession believes a word of your bullshit.
Sincerely,
All professional musicians, everywhere.
Having acepted Alma’s response in another thread that the incoming letters are all genuine, I really have to take this one with more than a pinch of salt. Sorry but I just cannot believe it! A pianist in his 20s regularly succumbs to the sexual desires of a 40ish singer but now is reluctant to do so because she’s pushing 60 and he’s married? Her comment about her physical needs for the sake of the audience override your conscience is just plain nonsense! “Kudos” for being honest? That’s also nonsense in my view.
Besides, many sopranos nearing 60 are perfectly capable of singing recitals (even though they have given up performing in opera) for at least another decade unless the voice has been deteriorating quite rapidly. Give in to her and you might find it’s not just another couple of years!
Nick2 – Alma really has your goat! I sense a little Alma obsession here – and can’t you see that you are falling for her, hook, line and sinker? She is just pulling you in, and you can’t get enough. Can’t wait to see your responses next time. I dare you to stay away.
Absolutely no obsession – merely disbelief. Many of the original letters appear fake, as does this one. Alma has stated that all are original. Having presented recitals by many major artists and their pianists over more than 30 years, this one is just unbelievable. Sure, truth is sometimes stranger than fiction but this stretches fiction into the realms of the utterly unbelievable. Others may believe and comment on them. Fine. I have as much right to comment as they.
Guest Principal –
Don’t you have anything better to do than to read this “bullshit”? You must be either super bored or super boring. Hope you get a real job soon. Print your real name and Man Up to reading this article and I will maybe get a shred of respect for you.
Dear Guest Principal,
You Are Weak. Don’t click on it if you don’t want to read it. Be brave. And get a real job.
Sounds like the unhappy pianist should report it to Katharine Needlema— oh wait she just hates men? Nevermind. Carry on.
This is obviously a serious problem and I feel guilty for being flip, but it makes me think of “Dinner for One.”
“Same procedure as always”
The soprano soloist makes demands and uses some degree of coercion to sleep with the pianist.
I’m sure there will be uproar and demands to cancel her. her.
cancel her. her. Her.
(spot the keyword: why the keyboard warriors won’t demand her demise)
Kudos to the partner? I thought using power/position to manipulate sexual favors was r*pe.
No, it’s sexual harassment. There are no “favours” involved in rape of any kind, and it involves force, not manipulation.
She is asking to restart an old relationship. The guy is contemplating. Alma says it has the potential for jail time and to make a stand. There isn’t anything wrong with asking to restart something, only something wrong with not taking “no” for an answer. This singer didn’t threaten or coerce.
There are worse things in life.
Meet her halfway and tell her “eatin ain’t cheatin”
If anyone believes these letters are real I’ve got some unicorn dust to sell them.
Andy, you seem to love a little dust as much as the rest of us! I love how Alma can so easily get the SD readers up in a tizzy – we are easy bait!
As PHF says above, this situation is no less sexual abuse than it would be with demands on a female accompanist by a male soloist.
The fact you complied with these demands in the past means it is could cause hurt on both sides if you created a scene – you should simply make it clear that accompanying her no longer suits your schedule.
This is pretty clearly fake. The list of pushing-sixty sopranos with active recital careers and a consistent 20-year partnership with the same accompanist is pretty short, shorter still if limited to straight accompanists. If any of them really was in such a situation, writing this letter would be begging for exposure. My guess is that it was submitted by someone hoping to gather reactions along the lines of “what if the sexes were reversed” so as to have an example of hypocrisy to show around.
Buy her a dildo.
The old theatre saying goes — Don’t sleep with the leading lady.
There’s a variation of that — You can sleep with the leading lady all you want. You just can’t stop….