Dear Alma, My groper tried it again
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
Remember me? I’m the one who was ass-grabbed by a brass player a couple weeks back.
You gave me sound advice, which I was in the process of putting into practice when the asshole did it again – right in front of two other women in my section. And offered to do the same to them.
So what now? I told you I’m north German. We’re fairly direct up here.
Next day I came well prepared. In rehearsal break, I smeared the inside of the mouthpiece of his instrument with a thin scraping of dogshit.
He put the instrument to his mouth. Couldn’t work out why it tasted different. When he did, he let out a yell that could be heard all the way to Berlin.
He immediately filed a complaint against me. I have been suspended pending the outcome of an investigation. I have not admitted the offence.
Should I?
Dear Should I?,
Ok. Before we say the obvious, I want to say l really like your style. It’s funny, to the point, and downright disgusting. Kudos to you! It’s going to go down in perpetuity in your orchestra lore.
It reminds me of things I used to do in high school. Once I left a paper bag of dog poop on someone’s front door. I also filled someone’s letter box with lentils and tied someone’s house together with rope (they had a completely square house with from door and back door on the same level). It was hilarious seeing them try to push the door open over and over again.
Back to reality. Oops. Of course you shouldn’t have done that.
Don’t say a word at orchestra. Don’t admit anything. Don’t respond to questions. Stay away from that grabby, despicable bag of hot air.
Get a lawyer and follow their advice to the letter.
They will most likely have you file your own official complaint, detailing both incidents and naming the witnesses. Don’t go to those people directly, just follow the lawyer’s advice.
Should I?, we all have gotten carried away in certain circumstances. That’s human. You will get out of this. But no funny business from here on out. Nose to the grindstone.
Please let us know how it goes,
Your fan, Alma
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I used to slap the face of a groper very loudly — like that percussion clap at the beginning of the Ravel piano concerto.
Oh well — I guess those days are over.
Yea unfortunately we can get in trouble for slapping, even after being pinched! What a ridiculous problem.
I love her “solution” but hope she makes it out on top of this gross situation as a winner!
Yes. Funny solution but serious problem.
I thought comedy was supposed to be… you know… funny.
I like lentils in the mailbox. Sounds like Alma was pretty out there as a teenager!
Did someone see you smear the mouthpiece with DS? If not, then why have you been suspended?
Good question. Probably the brass player said he saw her.
That guys deserves that and more!
Ditto that statement.
The ass grabee more or less confessed to the retaliation on these pages. She thinks she can deny by not admitting? Not so smart. She should have put some firey hot sauce on his instrument n burn his lips a few days he’ll remember well.
Ok Alma’s writing style has seriously changed in the last few posts. I’m starting to think there are multiple people responding…
Dear Should I?, you should’ve read some of our responses suggesting you to go file a complaint, and not retaliate in such a silly manner. If the brass player filed a complaint and you were suspended immediately, then it shows that the management takes complaints seriously, which means Alma gave you terrible advice, and that you entirely misread the situation as well. At this point, filing a separate complaint will look like you’re just retaliating and making up excuses to cover your tracks. If they don’t have any proof that you did this, then hopefully that would be enough to set you free. I suggest you find another orchestra to work after this debacle.
David,
This is Alma. I have written every single one of the responses. With a full time job and a family, it takes a lot of effort. Thank you for reading. I am doing my best and enjoying the process immensely.
Thank you, Alma, for all you do.
I have no doubt that you write all the responses. The quesion I think many wish to ask is: do you also write all the original letters to which you reply?
No response from Alma. Noted!
I expect a more wise and philosophical approach to human problems.
I’m disappointed by the number of thumbs-down ratings here. The Dear Alma column is one of the consistently best reads on SD. I look forward to it every weekend. The advice is practical with a dash of light-spirited humor, both of which are appropriate to the personal conflicts that arise in a profession that’s not quite like any other. Alma’s experience shows.
The recommendation to lawyer up is sage quality as is the advice to not admit anything officially — yet. Once any legal ramifications blow over, this story will be a great reputation builder and something that “Should I?” will probably want to own up to because it says, “This is who I am. Don’t mess with me!”
Alma, you don’t say, likely respecting privacy. But are we talking about career musicians in a professional orchestra here, or hormonal kids hopped up on too much Red Bull in a high school auditorium?
Because it certainly sounds like the latter.
Sorry to say but these agony aunt posts just get more and more ridiculous. They’re becoming like even more unbelievable fiction.
Yes you read
“How to go from a winning position to a losing one in one moronic step” but presumably this is fiction
Agreed. Probably fiction but it’s hard to believe how crazy things can be in the real world. Look at what’s happening in NY Phil right now. Dropping pills into drinks and molesting people. It’s sickening.
Dear Should I?
Well done. You have all my sympathy.
Yours
🙂 Pff
Yes! I can’t believe he had the nerve to file a complaint. What an asshole.
Blimey, what did the guy expect? He likes ass so your gave him some ‘product’. Indeed, a stellar response. But Alma’s advice is sound, get serious and get legal. Having been the victim of a similar incident in another arts setting, it’s the only way to beat them. The process puts you through it in many ways, but I won and still work in my field. The aggressor never worked again, so far as I know. Good luck to you.
Yes. Lawyer immediately please!!!
Questioning the wisdom of publishing this “confession” in a public forum.
Yes. Could be a disguised problem, something similar, and from a different area. But it’s an interesting problem to think about.
look for another job.
because all this business
will be on your CV.
Sad but true
This fictional character has another job. She teaches an ante-natal clinic (see original letter). So probably a nurse.
But you are right: who would want to employ a nurse who smears dog-shit on a colleague’s instrument?
I’m a male trombonist. Kick that loser in the nuts! Ok don’t…but he is a loser. I’ve never seen a fellow musician suffer harassment or assault but if I ever do, incidents like this are a good reminder that I need to stand with the victim and push back against the bully. Such a simple idea but easier said than done.
It can be scary to step up immediately and defend someone but Peter is right.
Uh…smearing dogshit on a mouthpiece should be a criminal offense (or at least civil suit).
Wouldn’t breathe a word of it.
And yes, definitely report his behavior.
But you are rather dark and nasty for your potentially harmful prank.
Appropriately so, though, don’t you think?
Absolutely appropriate!
Who are these stories supposed to fool?we are supposed to believe that in response to groping, someone commits an assault, makes a big deal about the fact they didn’t admit it but then writes into the most viewed music site for “advice”? Did they just happen to have a little bag of dog shit with them at the time? And no one at the “rehearsal break” saw this happen?
In a time when there are real sex offenses in the news and causing major headaches in our field, you could maybe stop insulting us with fake stories. Do you write them yourself?
Is this supposed to be a joke? This is the most insensitive thing you have ever published. Even if it’s meant to be satirical, it’s incredibly bad taste. People’s lives have been ruined and devastated by workplace sexual assault, and this piece comes off as mocking and insincere.
Couldn’t you just punch/kick him in the balls, and tell him not to grab your butt again?!
First of all, was the dog excrement offered to you by the actual producer, or did you just walk outside, looking for some DS that could have been used for something more useful? Stealing something that doesn’t belong to you isn’t right, even if nobody else seemed to want it. Especially the dog. So you actually picked up the excrement so that you could place it onto somebody’s mouthpiece? Really, is this a hobby of yours? I think that you could dream up something better to get your revenge than denigrating yourself by doing something so vile!
So far, the best comments on any post on SD! Thank you!!!!
Yessssssss!
Comments as entertaining as the post!
April Fool’s Day was twenty days ago.
I am surprised that the point is being missed here of how disproportionate and dangerous this (hopefully fictional) response is. Toxocariasis, carried in dog faeces can lead to permanent blindness. To expose someone to dog faeces is not a joke or harmless.
Hot chilli could be a prank, “liquid ass” a commercial product that is not dangerous could be an extremely disgusting prank, but dog faeces is assault, and a many times worse assault than an unwelcome buttock slap, which carries no risk of permanent disability.