Dear Alma, A brass player grabbed my ass…
OrchestrasMore problems for our agony aunt:
Dear Alma
A male brass player in my orchestra just groped my ass. His wife, five months pregnant, goes to the ante-natal class I teach. We live in a small town in north Germany. There is no-one I can tell but you.
Advice, please.
Hot and Bothered
Dear Hot and Bothered,
Being the recipient of an unwanted pass can take a person off guard, leaving them confused and unsure of what to do. In your case, you have two added complications of a work environment and the fact that this is the husband of a friend.
Make it very clear to the husband that you are not on the same page as him, staying calm and respectful. Say something such as “I am not sure if I I am misinterpreting this, but it seems as if you are coming on to me, and I am not interested”. That way he can backpedal and you two can consider the whole thing water under the bridge. If they don’t pick up the clue phone, you can also mention that you know their spouse, and for how long, so they understand that you respect your relationship with their spouse and that you are loyal to them. Hopefully they will also hear the veiled threat that you will tell your friend what has happened. Chalk it up to a misunderstanding the first time, but if the behavior continues, you may consider speaking to your friend in private.
Hot and Bothered, you might feel creeped out or yucky after being put in this awkward situation, but just stay calm and collected. Observe him and his interactions with others, and if he hits on you again, or you notice a pattern of him hitting on other people, you may want to sit with your friend and bring the subject up, in a non-judge-mental or emotional way. You could even open the topic by asking if she has ever been concerned about her husband flirting with other people.
Be there for your friend. Listen to them and judge whether or not they are ready or interested in hearing about the incident. She is in a particularly sensitive moment being 5 months pregnant, and she will need a supportive ear more than ever as she continues towards welcoming a new, wonderful person into the world.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
This happens more often than you would imagine. Good advice here – no need to get upset, just make clear your wishes.
Yes good advice. You can choose to fight (and make that friend of yours totally miserable), or just get cleanly away. Sad to say that a quick getaway is the easier route. And probably better for the wife. Speak to her privately.
“I am not sure if I I am misinterpreting this…”? Are we talking about 16-year-olds here? If this involved adults in a professional situation, the better advice, I think, would be “do that again and you’ll get a call from human resources.
Yes of course. But it can also just be easier in the long run to quickly walk away. People can get nasty at work and it can bounce back at you. It’s not a clear choice. Something similar happened to me at work and even though I was innocent, this event has haunted me and followed me from job to job. It’s how I am now defined.
I’d phrase it a bit differently: “if you value your embouchure, don’t do that again.”
Alma’s advice is diplomatic and understandable, given the delicate situation Hot and Bothered is in.
However, groping is not flirting. It is sexual harassment. If he’s able to casually behave in such a way, it is clearly not his first time, and it is certainly not indicative of a genuine interest in getting to know someone romantically/sexually. I do not believe that the advice of “chalking it up to misunderstanding” is appropriate here. It is precisely this type of blind “benefit of the doubt” that perpetuates this type of behavior, and chances are, as we turn the other way, he is harassing many other women.
I do not believe she needs to involve herself in the marriage. She should simply talk to the director of the orchestra and report him.
Yes I can see your point. Sometimes it can backfire on the person being groped and can end up eating up their lives. It’s not a bad approach here for starters. As the victim, your life can become a total Hell with people taking sides and it can be easier to just walk away.
Yes you’re right. We do have to choose our battles, and if she feels that she can walk away without losing sleep over this, that’s a valid option. I just think Alma should have made it clear that flirting does not involve groping, and that this is a matter to be taken seriously as a society
It is only harassment if it happens again and becomes a pattern. One time is merely a suggestion, an expression of interest. At it may have even been an unconscious act, impulsive and instinctual. Women never even seem to bother to try to understand men. Testosterone can be an overpowering force. But is the a woman or another man who was felt up? The current-day Puritanism is unreal, inhuman.
Defending sexual harassment as “unconscious, impulsive, and instinctive” is despicable. No, testosterone does not cause such behavior, and not even a single scientific study has ever shown this to be true. The majority of men do not partake in such a behavior, and it also appears that old men like you who have lost significant levels of testosterone tend to harass women the most, so it is certainly cultural. You do not bother to understand men or women, so you are in no position to criticize women for not understanding men. You also fail to grasp the meaning of sexual harassment. Look it up in any dictionary and you shall see that repetitive action is not required for one to label something as harassment. Please educate yourself.
Sad comments from a humourless individual who needs to get out more!!
Wouldn’t you be roaring fun at a party??!!! Bring your pearls along.
Sue, groping someone at a party is fun for you? Well it would be fun for us to see you behind bars after you engage in sexual harassment, that’s true.
Anyone else upset about the boring stereotype that has beset our fictional brass player? Predators exist in other sections of the orchestra too.
Yes, that’s the real issue here
Not to mention the boring stereotype used for illustration. Nothing to do with orchestral brass playing, almost antithetical.
This is a workplace problem, with the unfortunate added complication that the victim knows the wife of the perp — she does not indicate that they are friends, just acquaintances.
It seems to me the solution has to be found in the workplace — between the two involved in this unpleasant incident. If the advice Alma gives in the first place is not useful in shutting down the groper, it should go to whoever is in charge of the orchestra personnel.
I think bringing a 5-months pregnant and almost certainly unaware wife into this is very wrong at this stage, where it it just an incident we are speaking of. If there is a pattern and other women in the orchestra have similarly been annoyed, perhaps engage with them and address the perp collectively — with perhaps the threat of going to the wife if he does not straighten up and fly right.
But bringing the wife in just puts her in a horrible situation. What’s she supposed to do — leave him? Get into a very bruising emotional situation and fight with him while she is very vulnerable? Odds are he is just acting out, and is an insensitive MCP. Pregnancy is a big change for men, too — could be that he is just a bit off his rail, and when he becomes a father will be as devoted as a wife could expect and hope. It seems a little premature to threaten that over what may be an aberrant incident.
What mighty contests rise from trivial things!! (Alexander Pope).
And WHY didn’t she slap him?
Point him out, he’ll have dental issues soon.
This is sexual assault, not a ‘pass’ or ‘hitting on someone’. Disappointingly mild response from Alma.
Maybe. And legally. But there is plenty sense to the first half of Alma’s response. And odds are it was a pass rather than an assault, which makes it unwelcome rather than a hanging offence and can be addressed and solved as such if the people involved are straight up and not trying to turn this into a crime.
Grab him right back and make it hurt if you can’t take the compliment. But do NOT go to his wife!
Grab a paddle and spank him right before his next entrance
Diddums.
That also happened to me once but then I found-out it was not a brass player but a clarinettist, which made it less offensive, but it spoiled listening to clarinet solos forever for me.
Sally
That also happened to me once, but then I discovered it was a clarinettist, which was less offensive but it spoiled for me listening to clarinet solos ever after.
Sally