Dear Alma, They made me concertmaster and now I’ve no friends
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
I am a good high school violinist. My mom just got a new job and we moved. We used to live in a big city and now we live in a smaller college town. The school conductor made me concertmaster and now it’s very difficult for me to make friends. People are angry that I just showed up and am sitting in front. To make matters worse I just won the concerto competition. I can hear people talking about me – calling me stuck up. I am trying to make friends but it’s really hard. I even asked the conductor to put me in the back of the section but he won’t. I practiced very hard and now it’s coming back to bite me. Do you have any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Stuck in the Front
Dear Stuck in the Front,
You have just stepped into a new situation – a new town, a new school, and a new set of expectations. It’s not going to be easy, but if we take a moment to asses the situation and make a plan, this might end up being a terrific learning opportunity for you.
You have a new job, a job that you don’t have training for. It’s like being hired to be a new manager of an old company. You have a director above you and a network of workers below you. You have a net of co-workers who are nearly your equals (the principal players) as well as a large group of people who do the grunt work.
The first thing I would do is have a meeting with your boss, the conductor. Find out what they are looking for in a concertmaster, and what you can do to accomplish these things. Ask for a map of the orchestra with names (and preferably photos) of your new crew. Memorize their names.
Be prepared, be professional, walk the walk. It’s not your job to be liked, it’s you job to be a liaison between the administration and the students. You are there to anticipate problems and to solve them. That doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun, but build your reputation by acting fairly and with equality to everyone in the room.
What does your orchestra need from you? They want to be the best they can be, and by leading with excellence, they will accomplish this goal. Set up a meeting with the students to have a chance to get to know one another and share ideas. Create a community or begin to join the existing one. Ignite their passions and help people follow through with projects. Maybe someone wants to design an orchestra t-shirt. Maybe people want to play chamber music after school or offer free lessons to younger kids. Or have a pizza delivery once a month during class! Delegate this work and you will find people who are passionate and love what they do. Set up regular meetings to follow through with these ideas and to have a place to share concerns.
You will learn valuable life-lessons through this experience. Communicate, delegate, and be a good example, and in time you will find a way to navigate this new path.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Jesus, Alma, it’s a high school orchestra! It’s not a “job,” or a “profession.” It’s a student activity. The last thing this poor kid trying to make friends should do is put on airs that he’s above the other kids or imagine he’s some kind of liaison with the “administration.”
Terrible advice!
Just do your best in rehearsal and in performance, learn what you can from your new music teachers, remember why you love music, and be kind and unpretentious with your new schoolmates. Don’t worry so much about what you think they think. You could be wrong. If you treat people with respect and kindness, your real friends will find you. It’s always hard at your age in a new environment. Give it a little time. And know that however it turns out, it’s not forever
Hank – yes good point. But it’s still a lot of good advice, and if this person is serious and going into college soon, it’s good to get the practice being a leader.
Trying to be liked never works…it’s a solid idea to just do the job well. I know two high school students who started an el-Systema type program (free lessons, dual language) 10 years ago during high school, and it’s going strong now. And another kid who started a concert series. These kids can do very mature things, and if this person has practiced enough to win a concerto competition, they are mature enough to handle thinking like a manager. Don’t underestimate them. They might be heading to Harvard.
You would be surprised at how driven and accomplished some high schoolers are. I have one myself, and in our city, many students take all Advanced Placement classes (for college credit) as well as college classes in the summers. This is good advice. It will sit well with a college application and this person will get a good recommendation from their teacher. I don’t think it’s too strong. They are not in middle school. Probably 3rd or 4th year high school.
This happened to me, but not when I was a student. It was when I got my first concertmaster job. Very tricky transition and I wish I had this advice then. Thank you, Alma.
People are often very mean to the new concertmaster. Especially if they think they deserved the job themselves.
“It’s not your job to be liked”. Yeah but, it helps tremendously at his age. And that’s the entire reason he wrote to you. He is upset that he isn’t making friends. I can’t help but feel like this advice treats him as if he is the CEO of some well paying organization. He’s a kid, not a 45 year old.
Trying to be liked doesn’t work. Doing your best will lead to respect and being liked.
He’s not a kid, not really. He is a young adult. Probably can drive. Probably has a job and straight a’s.He is driven and Alma is correct, if a bit tough. That’s what it takes.
I remember being unforgivingly rude to the concertmaster in high school when I got out seated. I was very angry and mean and I regret it terribly.
Pretty good advice, but maybe a bit mature for a teenager. You never know, though. And aiming to be liked never works out like you planned….
It’s hard to tell how old this kid is, and you would be surprised at how these skills are being asked if students nowadays. Managers of the robotics team, tennis at 5:30 in the morning. They are doing real work.
Aim high, I say! It’s solid advice. I know lots of kids who are going to summer science internships, already aiming to be doctors. It’s a really life already and this kid knows it.
I still fail to understand who writes these often banal agony aunt-type letters (too many seem imaginary to me) and why they are part of this blog. I suppose it takes all sorts and there are many people who cannot figure things out for themselves these days. As for ‘Alma’s’ replies, can’t wait to see a photo of the T-shirt she recommends being posted here!
I loved having a tshirt and hoodie with my orchestra name on it! It’s a great high-school project and gets the spirit going. Good idea.
Yet you read….. most papers have an advice column. It’s part entertainment, part content.
Would also add that high school kids will be, well, high school kids. They are at an insecure period of existence even if they don’t show it, pushing it off by snickering at others. Stuck should keep in mind it’s nothing about him/herself who got into this situation, that others’ ill will is unfounded, and that niceness and good intentions will win out.
OP, please don’t take Alma’s attitude that section players are there to do the “grunt work”. It’s a different job with different skills in the real world, which Alma seems so keen to emulate.
Treating them as “less than” is not going to help this situation ♀️
It’s good, if a bit serious advice. Good to get the input of the conductor. Good to get to know the other kids and good to knuckle down and do a good job.
High school orchestra combines the worst aspects of orchestra politics with the worst aspects of high school gang-mentality cruelty, slathered with a rich frosting of normal but excruciating adolescent angst.
I do not know how to better advise this young person, but my gut and vivid memories tells me that going to the conductor to air grievances about stand partners and other “colleagues” is not a good idea. Especially if the conductor actually tries to improve the situation.
Playing a instrument is a very personal experience. Congratulations for your success in music! Don’t let interpersonal relationships interfere with your musical experience. Real friends will come around and soon you will have both. How fortunate we are to have great music and friends in our lives!
Excellent advice from Alma.
High school is a place to learn, and there is much to learn (like this) outside of textbooks and classrooms. It is never too early to understand that handling people is the hardest part of any prominent role.
Narcissism is dreadful, isn’t it!!
Tertius Lydgate!
I really wish this person could also be proud of himself/herself while feeling stuck. As an adult, the conductor could at least partly participate what his decision would put this new comer through. And still he/she made this person the concertmaster, right? I believe the conductor must have recognized something rare in him/her.
And if this person is so troubled that he/she cannot feel happy about it, that shows this person values the interpersonal relationship very much, if not above one’s professional achievements. That’s not a week point. Just be sincere, and given time, people who share the same value will show up, in and ourside the orchestra.