Dear Alma, My stand partner is losing it…

From our agony aunt:

Dear Alma,

I have been in the same chamber orchestra for 34 years. My stand partner, who has been in even longer, and who is an absolute gem of a person, has been declining in ability for the past several years. At this point, it is even difficult to play next to her. We all like her tremendously and try to shield her from criticism, but I don’t know how much longer we can cover for her. I am torn because I both want to help her and at the same time, she is harming the section and orchestra. She comes from a wealthy family and they happily support our group financially. 

Should I Say Something?

Dear Should I Say Something,

I wouldn’t say anything. You won’t be able to live with yourself if you do. This situation will resolve itself without your input, in due time. Her membership means much more to the organization than how crisp her eighth notes are or if her bow is legato enough. Her presence means financial stability for the organization, continuity, and community support. And she clearly is also a kind of happy, warm glue for the musicians themselves. Not to mention that she would be very sad to be criticized or kicked out of the group.

I used to play occasionally with a group who had an elderly retired professional as a member. She had built the organization from scratch, from venues to audiences, programming to finances. She was the face of the organization, if not the hands. One day, she said during rehearsal “I just can’t keep up anymore, but I am afraid that if I stop, my life will stop having meaning. I love it so much.” Any one of us could have kept that conversation going, exploring ways she could have found a way to leave. But none of us did. We just told her she must keep playing, that we needed her and the group needed her.

And the look on her face, of utter relief, was worth every moment of when one or the other of us would cue her entrance or double her part if we had rests. It’s about more than any of that. It’s about us taking care of each other and finding joy in all aspects of our musical lives. And as Paul once said, “And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give”.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com