Dear Alma, I want a child. I want it all

From our agony aunt’s bulging email box:

Dear Alma,

I am a successful female musician in my mid-30’s. I work hard, and have a rewarding career which flies me around the globe. I have been almost exclusively touring for the last 15 years, and retain a nice living space in a major city. Here is my problem. I want to have a child. A partner would also be great, but by now I have given up that idea and prioritized child over family. I had a short marriage during the pandemic – we were stuck together, got a dog, it almost seemed like a regular life. Then I started to tour again and he filed for divorce. I just can’t sustain any kind of relationship long enough to have a child – they always leave me – I come back to find them gone. I see other women in my situation – they have missed the window and are alone as they age. 

Am I doomed?

Sincerely,

All Alone, in front of Thousands

Dear All Alone,

I too see the women of whom you speak. The beautiful, successful soloists carrying a small dog in a bag on tour. Or the amazing middle-aged women with one child, divorced, who either travel with their child and home school them on the road, or leave the child at home with relatives or a nanny. It’s a brutal truth that men can have it all, a family and a wife who will hold down the fort while they are away, and when the genders are switched, it’s about as common as seeing a unicorn wandering into a Starbucks. It happens, but just not terribly often.

You have to take a long, hard look at your life. Your whole life. And decide what you want it to include when it’s all said and done. There is no judgement on how a person lives their life, and there are infinite paths towards the same goal. All Alone, you want to have a child. You can do that. You can.

There are tons of ways of having a child. Adoption, sperm bank, friend who donates his sperm, I even had a friend who went to Alaska for 2 weeks specifically to come back with hearty, outdoorsy bun in the oven, and it worked great. Don’t wait. Do it now. Especially if you want more than 1. And after you have your baby, there are just as many ways to raise that baby as there are babies in the world. You can (and should) make as many plans as possible before you have your baby, but also be ready to change any and all of those plans as you find your new normal.

I think it’s smart to prioritize baby over relationship. A relationship is not something to be relied upon. I have friends whose husbands left them while they were pregnant, when the baby was 3 weeks old, who died after a year, or became entirely unbearable.

Do it. Do it now. Stay strong against any naysayers. You are a successful, brilliant woman. And you can have it all.

I got lucky, I guess. I managed to have kids. My husband is good. But he is a Unicorn and works at Starbucks.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com