Dear Alma, I just got fired. Now what?
OrchestrasDear Alma,
I did a stupid thing at work and got fired. It was entirely my fault and they are right to terminate my contract, which they did immediately. I am neither young nor old, which means that I have both fiscal responsibilities to take care of and that I have aged out of the good years for landing a new job. My partner gave up their job to move here and took what they could find, which is not nearly enough to sustain us, and the only option for their speciality. We have at least 15 years before retirement age.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Dug My Grave
Dear Dug My Grave,
Whatever happened, it’s good that you are owning up to it and moving ahead as quickly as possible. You stand half a chance of landing on your feet, both professionally and psychologically, by taking the clear path ahead and taking responsibility for your actions. It also sounds as if the workplace is not pursuing action against you. All of this is good.
Things to do immediately:
Sit down with your partner, and apologize. Deeply and without reserve. You need them now more than ever, and you have put your relationship on rocky ground with your irresponsible actions. That is not to say they are unforgivable. Ask forgiveness and hopefully you can weather this storm together.
Next (assuming that your relationship is still strong), make lists with your partner, of your own choosing, such as what you can do for a living, what you are willing to do for a living, what resources you have (financially and in terms of friends and family), and take a painstakingly close look at your finances and retirement savings.
Contact your old workplace and ask to have a meeting. You need to know if they are friend of foe – are they willing to recommend you for other work or is it a dead end.
Can you find enough work to stay where you are for the time being, tightening your purse strings and reaching out to friends and (former) colleagues for advice and help to find new, even temporary employment? Taking a lodger, even?
Open your eyes to the possibility of a new career track. If you are a performer, can you find work in a non-profit office? If you are a teacher, can you get your playing chops up enough to perform?
Dug My Grave, this is a frightening time for you. But don’t forget that you are a highly-trained musician who did their job admirably for many years, making one terrible mistake. You have a wealth of skills, as does your partner, and you can find a new path. Give it the determination you gave your career when you were first training, and your new life will open to you. You dug your grave, now dig out of it.
‘Them’? How many partners do you have? I know it’s trendyspeak but it jars horribly. If it’s a man, it’s ‘he’; if it’s a woman, it’s ‘she’ and if the person doesn’t now, then try ‘it’.
Wake up, Anthony. It’s 2024. Welcome to it. The future is now, and people are not defining themselves as they used to. It’s refreshing.
If they’re confused, it’s not my problem.
Great argument. Oh, it’s 2024. I’m sure you’re Justin Trudeau bearing the pseudonym Cousin It. Ideal one, though. It’s about his level of reasoning.
Yes I love it, we can now posit ourselves exactly how we want and that is the only thing that counts. I use it regularly in my work, when I make mitsakes in the letters or emails, I can now say: it’s my OWN speling and I don’t accept partiarhcal supression. WHen I am fired again, I say: no, you didn’t, I am back tomorrow morning. Etc. etc. It is the freedom where we have faught for so long…. we have to fight against the system, that is the whole piont!
Sally
What? The use of “they” here has nothing to do with gender identity. It is used when the identity of the person in question is unknown. We have never used “it” when speaking of humans. I don’t know if this was ironic, but if it was, bringing a politically tainted view to a completely unrelated topic is deeply sad. Actively seeking out division and hatred wherever and whenever you can is not only disrespectful to others, it surely makes your own life bitter and difficult. I do hope this is just your persona online and that you don’t behave in such a childish manner in real life.
Those who seek out division and hatred are those who believe that there are upwards of 100 genders type thing and classify everyone according to characteristics over which they have no influence. Society needs cohesion and this gender fad actively undermines it.
If the writer does not know the gender of his partner then I would suggest he has a problem. BTW: Well done for noticing the irony in my original post.
The writer does not specify their gender. It could be a woman. You are quite blind, Anthony Sayer.
But he would not be the first to be mystified by the gender of his/her/its partner. Or by his/her/its partner in general. That is why people marry, to have some romantic mystery in their life, when the world outside is so realistic.
“I have not much experience with marriage, I have only been married once’. (The butler in ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’, Oscar Wilde)
I’ve just watched the (rather depressing) film M Butterfly starring Jeremy Irons. Check it out for gender mystification.
Some few decades ago, I telephoned Nicolas Slonimsky at home to get his comments for a newspaper story I was writing. Not knowing whom else might answer, I asked for the eminent and delightful musicologist by name, and his reply was instant: “I. Am. It.”
It could, after all, be a case of poor grammar in trying to briefly describe his, or her, or their problem.
There are bigger problems, than that, to take the last stand on the top of a mountain of dissent.
He might be Canadian and subject to C16.
Anthony. You are a terrible person. I don’t know your gender and I don’t want to. You don’t deserve one.
Wonderful! Thanks for making my day.
I have an aunt who has no gender, she says she lost it in the south of France at a music festival, I think it was in Aix, at a modern opera performance, and could never find it again. But she did not want to take-on another one. Her physique has greatly changed, we were quite shocked. So, if you have one, better cling to it.
Sally
Did it occur to you that this person may be trying to insure their identity!? Anthony – you are a silly goose. And insensitive and very “last year” to boot.
the problem is because you have been fired. they may
not give you a good
CV
It is possible that they might offer a good recommendation but include the one mistake.
Why use they when there are a host of third person pronouns available. Bring back last year!!!!!!!!!!!!
Terrible situation. Can happen to the best of us. Years of good service. One mis-step and it’s all over.
No, you just go back and do as if nothing happened.
Sally
And this has what to do with orchestras or the classical music scene???
Probably happened in the classical music scene. They never said you can only contact Alma if you explicitly state your involvement in it. This person wanted a compassionate ear and good advice, and Alma was happy to respond. I think that’s all that matters
It happens often in the music world. Read SD and you can find it every week. It’s good advice.
Look at the most read today – it’s the same topic basically. It’s advice we all might, sadly, need.
Look at what just happened in ENO – Alma’s ears must be burning again!
Yet another silly and unnecessary agony aunt column! What does the questioner expect as an answer in the absence of so many contributing factors. These Alma letters should not be part of this site – even if they happen to be genuine (which is questionable!)
Nick2, why do you waste your time reading what you obviously find inane? Or are some commenters playing a game that not all of us know is going on?
Sounds like solid advice to me. People do make mistakes but often won’t own up to them.
What about all the mistakes found in modern music scores? Nobody ever complains about it, and no composer ever owns up to them. That must be ebcasue nobody notices, and at performances players often make mistakes as well in them but they have license since it does not make much difference.
It is like the mistake at page 4 in Le Marteau sans Maitre that nobody ever has noticed.
“But don’t forget that you are a highly-trained musician who did their job admirably for many years, making one terrible mistake”…
How do we know this to be true?
What if the mistake at work was the straw that broke the camel’s back? In that case, it would be wisest not to contact the old employers again, because acquiring a good reference would be an unlikely outcome.
It’s best to stick to the established facts, in situations like these.
Sometimes mistakes have bad outcomes. A couple of years ago I heard of a terrible mistake at a music agency where an ensemble was sent on tour to Frankfurt, Florence, Oxford, Birmingham, Lancaster and Durham, when the players realised on arrival they were sent to USA towns with the same name instead of the European onces. Employees were sacked, but worse, the ensemble disappeared and was never again heard about.
Sally
Happened to my friend recently. Can destroy a life.
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