Dear Alma, My orchestra friends are plotting against me
OrchestrasFrom our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I have a group of friends in my orchestra, we hang out socially and also find outside playing opportunities for fun. We have played on music cruises, small concert series, and sometimes even done a bit of recording.
Last week, I was included on a text that was sent accidentally by one of these members to another. They said some pretty hurtful things, such as how it’s difficult to play with me and that they were considering replacing me for concerts. I didn’t let on that I received the message. I am very hurt by this, after all we have been through together. Should I confront them? Or just ignore and carry on?
Hurt by a Friend
Dear HBAF,
Having musical outlets outside of your main job is essential to mental health. It helps us stay fresh, challenges us, and gives us something to look forward to. Something to organize on our own terms, choosing our repertoire, booking our own travel and hotels, and following our own rules. You clearly enjoy your friends and this group. I would take the message with a huge grain of sand, more like a boulder, not get defensive, and do everything I could to preserve this part of your life. It’s easier to maintain something than to start something from scratch.
I once sent a message to a colleague accidentally. We had been going through a particularly rough patch, and my husband knew all about it. He was livid about my work environment and was pressuring me to quit. The work environment was putting a terrible strain on my home life, and the fact that I was getting pressured both at home and work made things twice as bad. I wrote the message to my husband, essentially irate over a new work episode, but sent it to my colleague instead. I realized within a moment, but it was too late. I quickly read the message again, and sent another to my colleague trying to obscure the meaning of the first and making some kind of migraine excuse to throw some gravy all over the mess. It worked and didn’t work. The damage was done and couldn’t be undone. But we worked through it.
I have learned from that moment. Not only to double check the recipient but also generally to refrain from putting things in written form. Things can certainly be misunderstood. The person reading can be jumping in on the middle of a thought and not know the context. And especially with text/sms/WhatsApp, things are short and quick and partial.
I would take a second to investigate my own behaviors, my preparation, my work ethic. The message you received says it is difficult to play with you. Does that mean emotionally or technically? It’s not clear what the complaint is.
My advice, Hurt by a Friend – ask for a lunch meeting with your friends. Suggest that you talk about the season ahead and bring any concerns or thoughts to the table. It’s not too late to remedy the situation. Tell them how much this group means to you and that you would like to work through any problems. Let them give you another chance. Fight for it. That mistaken message could have just saved you from losing this group. Let’s hope!
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
I slightly disagree with your advice. I would reach out to the person or people saying these things and say “hey, I noticed you sent these texts, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to get them, but I was sad to see you felt this way. I’d love to work on things since we all have such fun together. If you wouldn’t mind telling me what’s been going on- is it my intonation? My radar? My attitude? If it isn’t too late, I’d be willing to put in energy and work to get things right.” They would probably be horrified to realize their error, but since you would be approaching them in a non-combative way, you might get another chance. Plus, even if it doesn’t work, hopefully you’ll get valuable information going forward! Life is long, this sounds hurtful, but you’ll have many chapters of your life and many friends and collaborators!
Spot on!
Agreed. Making it clear that you are upset but willing to work with the “friends” to find a possible solution is a good idea if the group means something to you; if, however, it is just a chance to get together with pals, skip the music and just continue hanging out. I didn’t read anything in the message inferring they didn’t enjoy you personally; just comments that seemed performance-related.
Yes I think this is also a valid approach. It requires more confrontation and there is a risk that they would get defensive out of embarrassment. Alma’s approach is more neutral, but less honest as well. I think your last message that life is long is a very good perspective to keep. Whatever happens, this is one episode out of many in your life, and what’s important is to learn from each one of them and appreciate what you’re given.
But it isn’t clear that all members agree or that it’s even a big deal. It might stir up more to address it head on. It was clear;y an accident and they will be embarrassed.
Ignore, carry on, and write them off for good. There is a saying by Maya Angelou that says: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Most of us are reluctant to learn this lesson — we usually need more than just one time. It may indeed be very hard to do, and yet necessary to your mental health and, more importantly, to your own sense of self-respect. Confronting them in my opinion is useless and in a sense a form of self-humiliation — you now know how they really feel about you, and any lame explanation they might come up with out of sheer embarrassment for having been found out and for saving appearances will probably come back to haunt you — possibly exponentially so — should you decide to keep the relationship going.
Orchestras are usually quite toxic entities due to the fact that musicians, for the most part, are not fully emotionally mature due to a life spent mostly in a practice room, and due to a flawed sense of identity that is essentially defined by the concept of being a musician, thus viewing others also as musicians and often failing to view them also as human beings, with all the moral implications this might entail. True power is not reached by confronting, but rather by rising above it, acting as if nothing had ever happened and making sure that you do protect yourself in the future. The way to do so is by remaining professional and civil, and yet distant enough so that they lose any possible grip that might allow them to treat you poorly. I suggest a stoic attitude, no matter how tempting it might be to respond. You know now who they are — the only question now is whether you are willing to accept it. It may be hard to do so with people you might still be seeing every day at work for a couple of decades — yet working with people is not a valid nor sufficient reason to keep them within your personal circle. Find a way to detach yourself — they may eventually understand and possibly even issue some sort of indirect apology, but personally I probably wouldn’t hold my breath.
Too premature to quit. Don’t do it until you explore the issue.
This sort of thing isn’t exclusive just to classical musicians…..claustrophobic office environments are also a toxic breeding ground for backstabbing and sniping at colleagues. Unfortunately the quick fire aspect of social media, texts, WhatsApp, emails etc has made us all vulnerable to the poison of the careless, cruel and ill considered ‘send to all’. Don’t get into an undignified cat fight over this…..sadly most of us will experience this at least once or twice (if not more) in our lives…..it hurts terribly. Carve yourself new friendships, new interests and territory outside and within the orchestra. As previous poster commented….Rise above it.
Makes me think of a musician in a very famous orchestra that was having an affair with a colleague. She sent him some naked photos of herself. His wife found the photos on his phone and sent them to the entire orchestra and its administration. The naked colleague ended up becoming a sort of queen bee in the orchestra which had very few women. Suffice it to say that her public stances are not very feminist.
It’s a message from just one person, and it’s possible the others absolutely disagree. Good to have some kind of talk about it, direct or indirect.
Dear Hurt-by-a-Friend,
This could be your opportunity to find out where you need to grow and improve as a professional musician.
It’s safer to assume that you are not meeting the required standard in some way, than to blame them for their feelings.
It’s up to you how you handle it, but I would follow Alma’s advice and try to discuss this issue calmly, professionally and maturely with your friends.
You should also bear in mind that they may have been hanging on with you because they like you: instead of offloading you months ago, as they would have they done, had they not cared about you.
Try to move beyond hurt feelings, and find out whether this is a valuable opportunity for professional and personal growth.
The text is not at all clear. I would just wait it out.
Maya Angelou that says: “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
Oh my word, yes, this is so very true. Most of the time these types don’t slip by my radar, but sometimes they do. In that case it’s MY fault.
If one person included you in the text or message, I think letting the entire group know about that (even if the entire group agreed with the underlying criticisms) is going to look like you are trying to turn the tables on that one person who made the blunder and get the rest of the group angry at that person. That could preclude any hope of resolving this situation in a satisfactory way.
I would confine your reply to that one individual and tell them that you assume but do not know that including you on the message was a mistake but that while you intend to keep that mistake to yourself you would appreciate the opportunity to actually talk this through with whatever part of the group feels similarly.
I understand the hurt the writer must feel, but I find little in the responses here, or even from Alma, that focuses on the first thing I would think if I were in a similar situation: what am I (the writer) doing wrong that someone feels strongly enough about it to circulate this email?
Before confronting the group, or even the individual who articulated this matter, a very hard dose of self-examination should come into play. Aside from anything else, it would prepare the writer for any confrontation with responses to their specific issues — some perhaps to defend something, others perhaps to admit a problem and assert a willingness to address it, given the value the writer put son the group activity.
Why are you perceived as difficult to play with? There must be reasons.