Dear Alma, My husband and I are university music teachers. Now he’s leaving me

From our agony aunt:

Dear Alma,

My husband and I are university music teachers, both luckily employed at the same school. We have been looking for the next step up, applying for the last years, and my husband has been at a new (better) school for a year, with me keeping the old job and putting the house up for sale. I received a spousal hire and joined him this fall at the new position. 

Here is the issue. It slowly became clear that my husband had started a relationship with someone in our department while I was still living at our old home, and when I confronted him, he said he was leaving me. It’s like a dagger in my heart. We have already sold the old house and I have given up my old job. 

I am so angry, and trapped. I have to go to meetings with them every week and we all teach on the same hall. Feeling like I can barely make it through each day, I often throw up in the bathroom during the day. I have absolutely no option rather than stay here and feel crushed by their obvious (and incredibly insensitive) public happiness. 

To top it all off, they are pregnant, something we had been trying to become for 5 years.

No Options

Dear No Options,

I’ll say what we are all thinking. What a vile, disgusting excuse for a human. Hideous, soul-less, self-obsessed prick with no thought to the person who shared his life, who trusted him and moved to a new city to continue their common life together. As the abandoned party, your sense of self-worth, confidence and yes, even your identity all feel pulverized under the weight of this (public) rejection.

You may feel powerless. From your housing to your fresh, fragile job, to lack of local support, the ground has been stolen from you. And the cherry on top of the fetid pile of poop, the pregnancy that you desperately worked for has been taken and gifted to this new, evil couple.

You can do this. You are a logical, smart person. You can recover from this and move on. I know you can. I hope you realize how amazing and strong you are. You will be ok. Let’s do this.

No Options: Take these steps.

Hire a Divorce Lawyer:

This turd has known what his plans are for quite some time. He is way ahead of you and you have to catch up, quickly. Get your lawyer and sue for divorce. In the mean time collect any and all documentation of the situation to secure the best possible financial future for yourself. Consider a divorce counselor.

Find a new place to live:

Get out of your shared living space. You need a fresh place to start fresh. Get rid of all the clutter that reminds you of this swine – the photos on your phone, the triggers.

Join a divorce support group (or more than one):

You need support. You need to know what the options are. You need strength and people to talk to. Call a good friend or family member. They will help, and possibly come to help you find a new place and stay with you for a short while.

Keep this off social media and away from work:

We would like nothing more than to rake, haul, and drag this sniveling snake over the coals (preferable still steaming), but you need to take the high road. Everyone can see what a cad this fellow is, no need to lower yourself to point it out.

Take care of yourself:

You need to be in the best possible place – physically and emotionally – to tackle this next step. Exercise, good food, and regular sleep. Show yourself some serious self-love.

Decide to stay or leave:

Begin to think of where you want to be. You can reach out to your previous employer to see if there is any option of return. Or dig in to your new job and get to know your new town. Or continue to apply for more positions. But don’t sit still.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com