Dear Alma, I get cut out of the family at Christmas

Our agony aunt faces a thorny question from a peripatetic pianist:

Dear Alma,

As a solo pianist, I make my best bucks in the holidays, always far away from home. It has been years since I snuggled down with my family in the last week of the year.

My inventive wife, a hospital nurse, puts on a wonderful Christmas for her parents and our kids and there are always presents waiting for me when I come home. But I feel I have been cut out of the family narrative. I don’t exist at this season. I might as well be dead.

Short of giving up my career, what am I to do?

Losing my Bearings

Dear Losing my Bearings,

Holidays can be a tricky time for us. The bizarre, completely unrealistic depictions of the December Holidays from movies, advertisements, and social media create a litany of things we all must be doing wrong or will never have. But it’s not really like that. It’s depressing and lonely and you have to deal with or avoid all the dysfunctional people in your life and go to stupid awkward parties and get chubby eating all the chocolate and strange jello and marshmallow desserts that your relatives always torture you with. I mean, really, who has all that stuff? The family, the kids, the wife who is inventive, the satisfying job, the in-laws that we actually like. Wait a second. You do!!! YOU LUCKY BASTARD!!! Give yourself a major high-five. You did the impossible.

Your family understands that you are bringing in the big bucks by being away during this time. Ca-ching! Bonus! They have a snuggly, fun time, and are sensitive that you must be having a tough time being away.

I have missed so many birthdays, holidays, tooth fairy nights, and much more. It’s really tough and sometimes I cry and get in silly fights with people because I am so upset, generally, about vague things. But I have to snap out of it. I do something nice for myself during that time away – get a massage or go out by myself and have an extravagant meal. And I do the same for my family – I order an amazing cake to be delivered or a bunch of flowers and chocolate. On the special days (schedule permitting), I ask my family to put me on an IPad for FaceTime and just leave me on for as long as possible for the family gathering. We FaceTime, and they leave me propped in the kitchen while they are getting supper ready, or bring me into the living room to unwrap presents. It can go for hours. Sometime people talk to me and carry me around, but I even just like hearing the cooking and the banter while I get ready for my concert.

And, Losing my Bearings, what about taking control of the situation a bit more. Make sure you leave gifts and hand-written letters for your family to open on those days. Design and order a photo book of your favorite family moments from the past year and have it wrapped for them to open. See if your wife can send some presents with you that you can open on FaceTime with your family. Be there as much as you can.

And, while you’re at it, why not just create your own damn holiday? Maybe call it 88th Day (March 29 is the 88th day of the year) and celebrate with your family. Make up your own traditions instead of following some centuries-old, crusty and out-of-date holiday. You can even register your holiday on National Day Archives. I have a friend who takes work off every February 2 for Fritz Kreisler’s birthday. She just makes her own holiday and enjoys a delicious lunch out. Plays some

Praeludium and Allegro.

You have almost all of the ingredients of an amazing life. Just stir them around a bit, and you will get the flavor you and your family deserve.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com