Dear Alma, I’m transitioning. Do I come out in concert?
Daily Comfort ZoneFrom our agony aunt’s mailbag:
Dear Alma,
I am a third year college student, and have been transitioning from female to male over the past year. My close friends know and support this, and I feel ready to come out in my new body, my real body, at school. I was thinking of doing it at the next orchestra concert and wearing my tux. The only problem I can think of is that our town is in a conservative part of the country. But maybe our little music bubble is strong enough to protect me.
What do you think?
Is it the Right Time?
Dear Is it the Right Time,
Congratulations. This is a huge step, and I am happy to see that you are confident and looking forward to this next part of your life. Coming out is more of a spectrum of events rather than a single splash – telling friends, calling a relative, walking around town, being yourself at school. It can come in fits and starts, or seemingly all at once, in a big blast, but it will certainly be a continuous part of your life which requires bravery and patience. You seem super excited to tell the world of your gender identity, and there is no reason to wait, but sometimes it is better to take each step carefully and thoughtfully, for your sake as much as for others. There is no perfect place or time to do this, and it is important to think of your safety and comfort level when you make your statement. There is no rush, you can start small (as you have) and then build on that.
Here are some things to consider.
Place: Public or private?
*Do I want to be around people I know, in a controlled space, or in a space with both strangers and acquaintances?
*Would it help if I have several “soft” comings-out before the big announcement, for example, orchestra rehearsal and classroom?
Support: Network of friends
*Do I want to let my teachers and school admin know I am planning on coming out at the concert, so they are prepared?
*Are there supportive faculty, teachers or adults at my school that I would like to talk to before I come out?
*Can I talk to a school counselor or a mentor to bounce ideas off of?
*What have other people done in the past in this instance, and what did and didn’t work?
Personal preparation: What ifs?
*Imagine and write down possible scenarios that may happen, both positive and negative.
*Prepare what you will say and do in response to these hypothetical situations.
*How will I feel if these hypothetical situations happen?
Safety: Am I protected?
*Are there anti-discrimination rules at my school?
*Will coming out put me in possible danger?
*What can I do to stay safe?
*How do people in my community (both in school and in my city) treat people of different sexualities?
Is this the Right Time, you set the tone – you know who you are. Be firm and clear. Some people may take longer to accept or understand, be patient with them. Be flexible, understanding and brave, attributes which we can see you already have in spades. Have a great debut!
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Yes, do it at your next concert. Because I, for one, can’t wait to see your new body.
Can’t tell if you are funny or aggressive. But let’s try to be nice here, if at all possible.
If he does it at a concert, he risks turning attention from the orchestra and the music to himself. I think it would be a mistake. He should come out somewhere else first to let any colleagues that might be surprised get used to the idea.
I agree, and I believe this is what Alma was gently trying to steer him towards.
No. Don’t treat the audience as your therapist. You are suffering from a mental condition. You need legitimate psychiatric care, not the thrill of attention.
I’m a psychotherapist. What the writer is experiencing is a normal, if uncommon, human experience. It is not pathological. He is feeling anxious, but that in no way means that professional care is warranted, and if it were it would be only to deal with the anxiety, and to offer case management assistance to the gender transition itself, as Alma is doing quite competently.
Professional care is warranted only if the anxiety disrupts normal functioning in major areas of life and the individual concerned is not dealing with it successfully.
I am interested in the way in which a state or experience may be regarded as pathological in one era or in one society and as not pathological in another era or another society. Homosexuality (which is very different from being tranhs) is an example. In some societies, political dissent has been regarded as a mark of mental disorder. Can I ask on what basis you say what the writer experiences is “normal” and “not pathological”?
Eric, you are exactly the type of person who fuels hate and danger for people who aren’t exactly like everyone else. Try to be a better, more open person.
“How can I make this about me?”
It’s not such a biggie in Thailand
This “new body” of yours. Presumably that would be the same as the old one? (what with no one, ever, anywhere, anytime having changed sex in all recorded history, and that)
You’re pretty clueless. Gender identity is distinguished from biological sex, in psychology (my profession) precisely because they are NOT the same, nor inextricably linked. There is a high correlation, yes, but not a perfect one. These are the facts. This is not opinion or ideology. It’s an observable psychological fact.
Do your homework.
What is gender identity? A lot of people don’t think they have one, especially if it is a matter of *feeling* male or female. I know I am male but that isn’t on the basis of anything I feel.
Clueless about what? The distinction between gender and sex? I dont think so. And you still cannot cite one instance of anyone changing sex. (which kind of matters if you’re competing in sport, needing a single sex prison/ rape crisis centre etc. But this is just “biological essentialism to you lot-as if you had abolished gravity or some such)
Bunk. The DNA is still going to be XX, regardless of how this confused person behaves.
The writer is transitioning to male? The Western world is prepared to see females… current or former… in men’s clothing. Women have been cross-dressing into men’s clothing for a century or more.
I recall the one of the concertmasters of the Minnesota Orchestra was female and always wore a male-style tux at concerts. No frilly sleeves for her. It was like a mark of her seriousness.
I don’t recall it ever being commented on… and this was back in the 1970s.
This is a well-though out response, with some very good points. Thank you for taking this seriously.
Please make your Re-entry as dignified and elegant as you can. Transitions are still very off putting and confusing for many. I would choose small performances then build up with out drama and be gracious to those who are startled by these changes.