Dear Alma, I’m transitioning. Do I come out in concert?

From our agony aunt’s mailbag:

Dear Alma,

I am a third year college student, and have been transitioning from female to male over the past year. My close friends know and support this, and I feel ready to come out in my new body, my real body, at school. I was thinking of doing it at the next orchestra concert and wearing my tux. The only problem I can think of is that our town is in a conservative part of the country. But maybe our little music bubble is strong enough to protect me.

What do you think?

Is it the Right Time?

Dear Is it the Right Time,

Congratulations. This is a huge step, and I am happy to see that you are confident and looking forward to this next part of your life. Coming out is more of a spectrum of events rather than a single splash – telling friends, calling a relative, walking around town, being yourself at school. It can come in fits and starts, or seemingly all at once, in a big blast, but it will certainly be a continuous part of your life which requires bravery and patience. You seem super excited to tell the world of your gender identity, and there is no reason to wait, but sometimes it is better to take each step carefully and thoughtfully, for your sake as much as for others. There is no perfect place or time to do this, and it is important to think of your safety and comfort level when you make your statement. There is no rush, you can start small (as you have) and then build on that.

Here are some things to consider.

Place: Public or private?

*Do I want to be around people I know, in a controlled space, or in a space with both strangers and acquaintances?

*Would it help if I have several “soft” comings-out before the big announcement, for example, orchestra rehearsal and classroom?

Support: Network of friends

*Do I want to let my teachers and school admin know I am planning on coming out at the concert, so they are prepared?

*Are there supportive faculty, teachers or adults at my school that I would like to talk to before I come out?

*Can I talk to a school counselor or a mentor to bounce ideas off of?

*What have other people done in the past in this instance, and what did and didn’t work?

Personal preparation: What ifs?

*Imagine and write down possible scenarios that may happen, both positive and negative.

*Prepare what you will say and do in response to these hypothetical situations.

*How will I feel if these hypothetical situations happen?

Safety: Am I protected?

*Are there anti-discrimination rules at my school?

*Will coming out put me in possible danger?

*What can I do to stay safe?

*How do people in my community (both in school and in my city) treat people of different sexualities?

Is this the Right Time, you set the tone – you know who you are. Be firm and clear. Some people may take longer to accept or understand, be patient with them. Be flexible, understanding and brave, attributes which we can see you already have in spades. Have a great debut!

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com