Dear Alma, Why are music teachers such gropers?

Dear Alma,

Not long ago the mother of a gifted young violinist asked me to recommend a teacher in London, but only a female teacher. It turned out that the student had had consultation lessons with various male teachers, but all of them were “handsy”. How is this still allowed to go on?

Sick of the Hands

Dear Sick of the Hands,

Reading this makes me sick. I can taste the metallic tinge at the back of my mouth, thinking back on my own experiences (and near missed) throughout my career, and being the mother of two daughters who are musicians, I fear for them, at the same time as being completely transparent to them about the realities of the world and teaching them to be strong, trust their instincts, and push back and fight if necessary. I completely agree with you. What kind of world do we still live in, where people who work very hard at their crafts are potentially exposed to questionable and downright illegal behaviors. It’s so last year. And so scary.

What I read from your letter shows me a couple of interesting points. Firstly, that the young student was aware of herself and situation and able to communicate this to her parent. That the parent listened, supported her, and sought advice from a trusted source. That you, as the source, understand the seriousness of the question and are able to advise appropriately.

Being completely candid here, as a mother and teacher, I most often advise that my female students study with a female teacher, whether as a young person or someone going into university. This is not to say that I am unaware of male student abuse, or the possibility of female teacher abuse, but I particularly (and statistics will support this) am concerned about female students with male teachers.

Teach your daughters to be strong, to be quick with their actions, and to anticipate and avoid situations. Explains what these situations are. What grooming is. Why, Sick of the Hands, do we still find ourselves having to train victims rather than perpetrators? It is a story as old as time itself. It’s why we can’t jog early in the morning, why we can’t walk alone at night, and why we can’t have too many drinks at a bar. As a female, we are never safe, and can never let our guard down. It’s just the stupid truth.

Parents: attend the lessons for underage students. College students: record every lesson. Make sure there is a window in the door of the lesson room. Do not let the teacher stand between you and the door. Walk out immediately if you feel uncomfortable and go straight to the office, with your recording. Ask for the teacher’s studio policy, which should clarify behavior expectations and rules. Tell the teacher that you have a no-touch rule, and if they need to touch the student, to ask you first. But, I honestly just advise to have a female teacher. It’s the safest and best choice.

Sorry, guy teachers, you had your chance (for the last 300 years) and you screwed it up. Over and over again. If you want redemption or a clean slate, give your potential students and parents your policy statement up front. Tell the parents to attend the lessons, and to record the lessons. Record the lessons yourself and make sure you aren’t being creepy or making your students feel uncomfortable. Have a window in your door. Don’t stand between the door and your students. Don’t touch your students. Find another way to teach. Be creative. We taught on zoom during Covid – I have students I never met who are attending Julliard and winning big competitions. I didn’t have to touch them. Don’t groom people. Don’t talk about personal things, or sexual things. Pretend like you are teaching your niece. Don’t be a perv.

Man Teacher: prove to us that you are worthy. Then maybe slowly, we can trust you again. Like, in 300 years.