Dear Alma, I think I crossed a line
NewsDear Alma
I am a veteran university music teacher at a reputable school. Recently, I have been having feelings for one of my graduate students. It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, and I have good self control and good behavior. In this case, I feel as if I may have crossed the line, possibly leaving a hand on her shoulder too long, and I asked if she would like to meet for coffee. She did not respond and I think I made her feel uncomfortable. It was a mistake. What should I do?
Where is the line?
Dear Where is the Line,
You and I both know you have crossed the line. The question is, what now. What to do? The student also knows you have acted inappropriately. Will she report you to the administration? Or is it so mild that you can self-correct and hope it’s all water under the bridge? If you do just continue, ignoring what happened and hope it will disappear, and you do get called in for reprimand, please do be up front about it and admit what happened. Should you mention to the student that you are sorry that you put her in an awkward position asking her to coffee, and it won’t happen again? Only you can asses if that will fix the situation or just make it worse.
Where is the Line, you seem like a decent person, who just happened to have a blip of a moment where you lost your professionalism and wits. Write down the dates and exact details of the incidents for your personal records, and talk to a trusted friend about it so you have a record of the events from your side of the story if there is any action taken against you.
Tasks a breath, collect yourself and make sure that you are are above reproach for that student and all others from this second forward. Take extra precautions in the near and far future, and concentrate on your job, which is to guide and teach these young people towards a healthy and happy career in music. We all make mistakes. It’s how you handle it after which will show us what kind of person you are. Be the best kind.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
Better off using Tinder. That’s my advice. There are armies of available females on Tinder. That way you avoid having trouble of this kind.
Hi Sue, haven’t seen you in a while. I’m surprised you know Tinder! I assumed you were very old 😀 And for once, I do agree with you! Hope you are well.
It’s a step in the right direction that this person realized that he was starting to “groom” a student.
Well grooming isn’t that right term, but I assume you meant potential for sexual harassment and power harassment.
Plenty of my teachers left a hand on my shoulder (or let it travel down my back). You can also feel when they are leering at you. I think they don’t know how I feels. Like you are being hunted. I hope they don’t know. Or I hope they begin to realize like this teacher did.
It’s a disgusting feeling.
I’ve experienced this as a male, and it really is a disgusting and frightening feeling. It made me sympathize a lot with women who have to go through this so often in life, and I make sure to call people out if I ever see any of this.
Part of the job is knowing what to do and why you wanted coffee.
What does the student seek from you and what do you seek from the student in your meetings? That’s one line.
Another line is drawn by the administration and general norms.
Another line is thrown around the peanut gallery media of which everyone is terrified.
Another line drawn by her friends and colleagues.
Another line is your professional life and your personal life.
If the offense is so bad, offer another teacher, or if she agrees all is well, continue onward knowing all of this.
Think of England, until urge goes away.
Don’t do this. Sure, they’re consenting adults in many cases and you’re not bound by duty of care towards a child, but it’s still going to reflect piss poorly on you. You’ll be viewed as a predator who goes on power trips over students. Your duty is to teach, not to find a wife.
Would suggest another picture, if any is really needed.
Another aspect that was not mentioned and that can make a big difference: was that the first time the “line” was crossed?
His most disingenuous question was “where’s the line?”.
He knows bloody well where the line is; he just wants to know how far, and how often, he can cross that line before he gets cited for a traffic ticket, a “moving violation” as it were.
Middle-age male professors of the world, here’s a good rule of thumb:
If there were any mutual sexual attraction at all, the younger female student would’ve already made the first move. Women aren’t shy, women are extremely selective. If she hasn’t made a move, it means not only is she not interested, you’re not even on her radar. You exist on her same psychic space as her drunk uncle who shows up on Thanksgiving.
Oh Alma, Alma, Alma, you are a very good person but you’d make a very bad defense attorney.
“Write it down”? So that there is a contemporaneous written confession?
“Tell a friend”? So that there is a contemporaneous witness?
There is an old maxim for defense lawyers in open court: Never ask a question of a witness/defendant that you don’t already know the answer to.
You don’t know exactly what he did, and exactly which laws could be potentially broken, so how can you tell him to write down all the details and to share them?
Might as well advise your client to re-enact the whole situation with professional actors, film it by a professional crew, and put the film on youtube.
The goal is not be wrongly freed.
“It was just coffee”. Harmless. Hand too long on shoulder? What’s the time-limit? 1-2 seconds? 5 seconds? Everyone is so damn uptight today. (OK, bring it on.)
Sorry, but I still don’t get middle-aged men falling for girls who could be their daughters. It’s just sick.
Oh, for heaven’s sake. She is a graduate student and presumably an adult. A man with whom she shares a passionate common interest puts a hand on her shoulder and invites her out for coffee. If she didn’t want to go, all she had to do is say so. “She did not respond”? What is she, 10 years old?
When I was a graduate student, we did not get “traumatised” if such a thing happened. We dealt with it. Nine times out of ten we would have been flattered and accepted. If the tenth, we would have declined, politely but firmly, to prevent any awkwardness in future academic dealings.
This young woman appears to have been brainwashed into thinking a hand on the shoulder and an innocuous invitation is “predatory,” and now dear Alma is warning our correspondent that he is in danger of ending up on the wrong side of a lawsuit.
I wish they would all grow up. But it seems today’s young people, so intent upon being snowflakes and victims of something, do not choose to do that until they are in their 30s. I’m getting a little tired of these overgrown adolescents.
Oh, and Alma — get an editor. “Tasks a breath”?
Agree with every word. We dealt with propositions at music college in the way you describe. If you weren’t interested, you just said so. Nobody harboured a grudge and life went on. American-style aspirational victimhood plus litigation culture: as if we haven’t already benefitted enough from their contribution to society…
If what the OP describes is well and truly the entirety of any suspect behaviour, he/she does not appear to have done anything egregiously wrong.
In itself, inviting another adult to “meet for coffee” is a perfectly innocuous invitation that does not necessarily have any romantic overtone whatsoever (of course, like most things, it depends somewhat on context — for instance, if such an invitation is tendered with excessive persistency despite a lack of interest, it might be more problematic…).
The hand on the shoulder is more questionable: some people would regard such a thing as innocuous and unremarkable, whilst others would be uncomfortable with such physical contact (and have every right to feel that way without having to justify themselves). Personally, and without meaning to criticising those of my colleagues who take a slightly more tactile approach, I take the approach that physical contact in the course of music teaching should not exceed that which is strictly and directly relevant to the process of teaching (with an exception for shaking hands). Even then, a pupil has the right to request that physical contact be further minimised or eliminated (even if that makes the teacher’s job harder). If you feel that you are deplying physical contact to a potentially uncomfortable or inappropriate degree, you can always ask the pupil, preferably in advance of touching (although it might be excessive to ask each and every time — just establish what the pupil considers appropriate and what you consider reasonably expedient or necessary for the purposes of tuition).
The OP is clearly very conscious of the possible impact of his/her behaviour towards a pupil, and rightly so. He/she may be “making a mountain out of a molehill”, or he/she may have given us “the tip of the iceberg”. Based on what the OP has written (which may or may not be the whole truth), I would say that no further action is required beyond the OP continuing to be sensitive to his/her words and actions, ensuring that any future deployment of physical contact is for teaching purposes only, and being prepared to discuss the use of future physical contact in advance *if* the nature of said contact is liable to be misconstrued or uncomfortable.
Someone has put their trust in you. They hold on to your every word, they analyse how you play, they think of your words every time they practise and they need your help to try and achieve their goal of succeeding in such a difficult profession.
Don’t be a bad human being. Students are off the agenda. Don’t confuse your job and work life with your personal life.
Get on with your job, and don’t be a creep.
Exactly.
“It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before” is the worst part of this. You are in the wrong profession.
What should I do?
Shaggy knows.
“It wasn’t me”
Express un-hedged regret for the gesture and blame it on the prescription medication you recently started taking.
That gives you both a polite fiction by which to return to a proper academic relationship.