Dear Alma: Meet Slippedisc’s new agony aunt

All human life passes through these portals, some of it raw and confused.

As a service to readers, we have appointed an agony aunt with international experience of both orchestral and chamber music. Her column will run on Fridays. You can post your questions to her in the comments below.

Here is a taster of things to come:

Dear Alma,

The Maestro keeps asking to see me in his room after rehearsal. He usually takes (and needs) a shower. How many ways do I have to say no?

Avoiding the Shower

Dear Avoiding,

First things first. You’ve got this. Take a deep breath, and let’s look at the options. It was only a short while ago that you would be in a sticky situation with no options, but now, with a little planning, you will be in the driver’s seat.

1 Protect yourself. Get any kind of evidence you can – have your phone on record at the end of rehearsal until you get him/her on tape. Tell a friend, confidentially, and have them write down the details and date. Write down anything you remember from previous encounters.

2 Look ahead 5 years and decide what you want your life to look like. Do you want this to be an anonymous blip, or is this your call to action? If the latter, be prepared for being outed, with colleagues strongly agreeing/disagreeing with you, and future work opportunities negatively affected. The word will get out and this will be a permanent part of your unofficial resume. But it also may open up a new chapter for you, and you will certainly be a hero to many other people in similar situations.

3 Consider talking to a lawyer before taking the next step.

4 Make an appointment with the highest person of your management, at a time when colleagues won’t see you going to the offices. If you wish to remain anonymous, have a confidentiality contract with you to be signed before you talk. Explain that you are there to help them protect themselves from a harmful situation – everyone knows that this is most likely not the first time that this sweaty arm-waver has made untoward advances – imagine if you had been some naive member and things had gotten out of control? You are here to protect the organization, and would like them to take care of this immediately and without using your name.

5 Lastly – if you want to take care of this alone, here are some more ways of “hosing down” this ridiculous, stinky dinosaur who can’t even smell the “Me Too” coffee thats been percolating in the kitchen for several years.
– “I would love to come see you – give me a minute because I just have to apply my anti-fungal cream – I am having a major flare-up!”
– “Maybe tomorrow? My boyfriend/girlfriend has a body-building competition that I have to go to today”
– “For sure! I was hoping to ask you anyway – can you be a guest on my podcast “Behind Closed Doors – the Secret Lives of the Extremely Successful”?
– “Totally! I was wanting to introduce you to my partner anyway, a lawyer for workplace discrimination! I can bring they/them along!”

But seriously, you are a powerful, successful musician and you don’t have to take any BS from anyone. The world is big and beautiful, and no one can stop you from driving your own destiny.