Yuja Wang needs to eat (and practise her German)

Don Ciccio says:

Yes, yes, my friends. The krautsprache can be indeed confusing. After all, Gift means poison, Hell means bright, clear, and umbringen (to kill) and vollbringen (to accomplish) have only the first syllable different.

In truth, there are situations in which the German words and names are closer to what one would expect from good old English. For example, their cities are so full of worms, they even named one exactly this: Worms – they make wine there. Worms Liebfraumilch: does anything sound more appetizing?

But don’t despair chaps. Do I have a shortcut for learning German? Here it is. You only have to learn one word: Hasselhoff. So when you say good day, instead of ‘Guten Tag’, you can say ‘Hasselhoff’. Likewise for good night: no need to memorize ‘Gute nacht’ when you can use ‘Hasselhoff’. Want to order concert tickets? Just say ‘Hasselhoff’. Want to have any conversation? Again, ‘Hasselhoff’ will do just fine. Germans will know from the context what exactly you want to say and they will be impressed that you know this shortcut. To tell the truth, I have no clue how this thing works. It makes absolutely no sense. But believe me, it does work.

And I think we should go further and even learn about their customs. Of course, there are millions of them and one can’t possibly know them all. But in the end, there was only one obvious choice: the Sitzpinkler (or something like this. I apologize, but German is my 7th language – 9th if you include dead languages).

Briefly, anyone who has visited Germany knows that there are no urinals in bathrooms. This is because all Germans urinate sitting. Thus, Sitzpinkler. The custom is also present in other German-speaking countries such as Austria (conservative Austrians being enthusiastic, eager Sitzpinklers) or the German-speaking part of Switzerland. Not sure about Liechtenstein, can anyone confirm?

It has however all but disappered from immigrant communities in the US and elsewhere, which are already multi-generational. There is the stray youth willing to learn more about their ancestors’ customs. They do give Sitzpinkling a try, but they quickly come back to their senses.

Of course, one can also use ‘Hasselhoff’ instead of ‘Sitzpinkler’ and everyone will understand. I should however point out that Mr. Hasselhoff does urinate like a normal human being. However, when visiting Germany, in order not to upset his fans in a country where he is more popular than in his native one, and with a node to his German ancestry, Mr. Hasselhoff observs the local customs.

So, Hasselhoff!