Are you reading Crack Critic at the Indy finals? Why not?

There is only one Eduard Laurel. (More’s the pity.)

Here’s a sample of his semi-final coverage from Indianapolis:

If crack critic has tried his best to be kind, none of the accomplished contestants needed any generosity, but I wonder if some might indulge this observer in his own competition Fantasy, regarding a surprise 17th semi-finalist who played tonight at 10 pm.

It is a mystery who invited her, as she was not in the preliminaries, though it is known she comes from New Caledonia. Delicia Rosamunda opened her program with a Beethoven Sonata. How many violinists know Brucker’s Symphony #Zero? Let it be generously said she played the Zero Sonata. It is apparent that her teachers hate her. If her Zwilich was ugly grating and unlearned it was well followed by Korngold’s Much Ado About Nothing, Sweet, uh, Suite.

She ended with Sarasate’s Introduction and Tarantella, an amazing performance in that, as she rushed more and more madly, her pianist Drew P. Weiner played more and more slowly. When she reached her end, he simply stopped.

With an ungodly howl, spine tingling, she smashed her violin on the bald pate of her accompanist, tore off the upper bodice of her Chanel dress, and collapsed, sprawled. A proctologist in the audience rushed to her aid, and she was whisked away to the emergency room. We will keep readers informed on her condition. ICVI has some serious explaining to do. It is rumoured she is the love child of Juror X. Everyone was appalled. Of course the Teflon pianist had hardly a scratch.

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