Teacher is charged with inseminating flutes that he disseminated

Teacher is charged with inseminating flutes that he disseminated


norman lebrecht

July 01, 2019

The details of this case are so disgusting that we will refer you to the Ojai Valley News, the LA Times and Daily Mail for full details. Please don’t shoot the messenger.

It is reported that a California flute teacher, a man who founded a disseminating organisation called Flutes Around the World, has been charged with  six felony counts of lewd or lascivious acts with minors younger than 14.

It is alleged that John Edward Zeretzke, 60, of Ventura, ejaculated into the flutes before getting kids to play them.



  • LEWES BIRD says:

    Flute… insemination… one is reminded of this legendary three-stanzaed limerick:

    There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
    Who played music like Stravinsky.
    ‘twas “Hail to the Chief”
    On this man-flute made of beef
    That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

    Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
    “We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
    Since you look such a mess,
    Use the hem of your dress
    And wipe that goo off of your chinsky.”

    Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
    What Kaczynski must surely have known:
    That an intern is better
    Than a bomb in a letter
    Given the choice of how to be blown.

    • Joe says:

      Just what everyone needs, some political humor from 30 years ago.

      I hate to inform you, but your effort doesn’t distract from the current occupant of the WH, accused of sexual assault/rape by 22 women so far.

      • Vincent McToast says:

        “accused”? Totally outranked by Arkancide.

        • Joe says:

          Admitted, not just accused. Plus, he’s an incompetent fool, and you know it. What an embarrassment.

          You can try to vilify the dems, past and present, but the real problem is that we have a president who vilifies nearly everyone, except murderous dictators and white supremacists.

    • Bruce says:

      Wow, that’s really not well done at all.

    • ThrownOutOfTheKremlinForSinging says:

      NONE of your limericks scan properly! All three either have extraneous syllables (for example in the line “On this man-flute made of beef”, you might be able to fix it by erasing the word “made”), or too few syllables (for example in “Who played music like Stravinsky”) or put at least one accent on a syllable which rhythmically should not be accented (for example in “Given the choice of how to be blown”).

      The most important thing for a limerick is that every line should fit the rhythm AND should be something a person might actually say in ordinary conversation, not awkward, contrived diction like “T’was ‘Hail to the Chief … that stole the front page …”.

      You are like Beckmesser trying to sing his serenade in the final scene of Act 2 of MEISTERSINGER. You’d be thoroughly marked by now!

      I wrote a MUCH better ORIGINAL limerick about that same subject, in 1999:

      The President said to the Ms.:
      “Your mouth is a nice place for jiizz,
      And whether it’s moral
      For you to give oral
      Depends on the meaning of ‘is’.”

      Do you see how the scansion and rhythm are correct, and all the phrasing is natural, in my limerick? That is how a limerick should sound.

      I recently heard an astonishing limerick. It’s politically-incorrect (makes fun of a disability) and not my very favorite, but amazing in its simplicity and cleverness:

      There once was a man from Calcutta
      Who spoke with a terrible stutter.
      At breakfast, he said:
      “Give me buh-buh-buh-bread,
      And buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-butter!”

      My all-time favorite limerick includes a speech-idiom we don’t use much now: pronouncing the time 4:04 as “four-four” rather than “four minutes past four” or “four-oh-four” which is how we say it today. But when this limerick was written, “four-four” was the standard way of pronouncing “4:04”. With that in mind, read on:

      “There’s a train at four-four,” said Miss Jenny,
      “Four tickets I’ll take. Have you any?”
      Said the man at the door:
      “Not four for four-four,
      For four for four-four is too many!”

    • Brettermeier says:

      There once was this guy “LEWES BIRD”,
      his lim’ricks should be left unheard.
      His rhymes are all shitty,
      not in the least witty,
      with him, they should be interred.

      (I think that’s pretty ok for three minutes.)

  • drummerman says:

    Norman, exactly how does posting this story provide “swift and reliable inside information on the most fascinating of art forms?” I can’t wait to read your response.

  • ThrownOutOfTheKremlinForSinging says:

    From THE ENCYCLOPEDIA OF GRAFFITI (1974) by Robert George Reisner and Lorraine Wechsler :

    “I’ll play the flute and swallow the music.”

    (The authors basically hitchhiked across USA and wrote down all the graffiti they saw on bathroom walls and elsewhere, and published the collection.)

  • Karl says:

    Sounds like FAKE NEWS to me. The charges of child porn against him sound credible, but this sounds like some stupid story someone made up. It’s probably giving some people panic attacks too. NOT COOL!

  • Brettermeier says:

    And that’s why I hate humans.

  • Sharon says:

    I realize that the truth can be stranger than fiction but this flute insemination thing sounds like an urban legend

  • Paul says:

    That story is so unbelievable that I’d say it’s “Hard to swallow”! 😀

  • John Borstlap says:

    “If people would keep their naughty parts within the boundaries of decency, the world would be a slightly better place.” (1 Thessalonians 5:19 – 21)