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A flute player is rushed to hospital after wrong-end blow

February 27, 2018 by norman lebrecht

38 comments.


ER doctors at Malaga hospital were disconcerted by the sight of a young man walking very awkwardly into the department.

A prompt diagnosis revealed that the patient had a flute stuck up his rectum.

Apparently he had been trying to impress his girlfriend by playing a tune with wind from his rear.

Do not try this at audition.

Read on here.


Comments (38)

  1. Alistair Hinton says:

    A good thing that it wasn’t an alto flute or, worse still, as bass one…

    1. Alistair Hinton says:

      “a bass one”; sorry…

    2. Mark Mortimer says:

      Patient ‘Doctor doctor I think I’ve got a flute stuck up my backside’

      Doctor ‘I’m so sorry. Just one question- is it an Alto Flute?’

      Patient (perplexed) ‘No- just a normal one’

      Doctor ‘OK- I’ll have to refer for an emergency appointment with a Proctologist’.

      Patient (perplexed) ‘Whats that?’

      Doctor ‘Don’t worry about that now- this is an emergency- I’m just telling you – you’re in a lot of Treble!’
      .

    3. Salome says:

      A piccolo might’ve got lost.

  2. Malcolm James says:

    Some years ago a similar story circulated about a clarinettist who had had a similar mishap in Germany and this was debunked as an urban myth. I suspect that this is similar.

    1. Max Grimm says:

      Considering some of the other headlines – “Two Galician altar boys arrested for putting marijuana in thurible”, “Police to award €100 to drivers who pass breath-test at sobriety checkpoints”, “Airline jet deploys oxygen masks due to flatulent passenger” – I’d say satire rather than urban myth.

  3. Rob says:

    Obviously struck a bum note.

  4. Doug says:

    If I were the attending ER my response would be to the patient: “blow it out your 4ss.”

  5. Eric says:

    I thought this was funny the first time I heard this nearly 50 years ago…

    A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. “Boris!” he yells. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?”

    “Well,” Boris replies. “I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra.”

    “Spectacular!” the man replies.

    “It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says ‘Fill the instruments with gold!’ and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the damn piccolo.

    “We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says ‘Fill the instruments with silver!’ and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the damn piccolo.

    “Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say ‘Shove the instruments up their asses!’ and the tuba doesn’t fit and the trombone doesn’t fit. AND ME WITH THE DAMN PICCOLO!”

    1. Marg Trethewey says:

      My father generously told me this story the day I got my first flute as a cautionary tale. Many years later, I am still a picc player so I guess I didn’t learn that lesson well enough!

  6. Robert Fitzpatrick says:

    Siegfrieds Rheinfahrt, was undoubtedly the tune. Gerbilizing happens next.

    1. norman lebrecht says:

      Not Mendelssohn’s Meeresstille und Glückliche Fahrt?

      1. Robert Fitzpatrick says:

        Unlikely, given the port of entry.

      2. Furzwängler says:

        Fingal’s Cave?

      3. Alasdair Munro says:

        Something by Samuel Scheidt?

  7. RW2013 says:

    Was it “Bruce” on holidays in Spain?

    1. Thomasina says:

      Hilarious!

    2. Bruce says:

      I can’t afford a holiday in Spain.

  8. Pieter van Houwelingen says:

    Chag Purim sameach!

  9. David Leibowitz says:

    Hope he wasn’t playing it transversely…

    1. Nik says:

      The article does state that it was a ‘flauta dulce’, i.e. a recorder. The picture above is misleading.

      1. Max Grimm says:

        Why should it matter if the picture above is misleading?
        The site the article comes from also states that “El site “Hay Noticia” (http://haynoticia.es) (en adelante denominado con sus siglas HN) es un site de humor cuyo fin es el entretenimiento.
        El contenido de HN es ficción y no se corresponde con la realidad.
        Todos los referentes, nombres, marcas o instituciones que aparecen en el site se usan como elementos contextuales, como en cualquier novela o relato de ficción”
        .

        1. steven holloway says:

          And in any case, I was too busy laughing at the linked photo of a policeman whose horse seems to have fallen in love with him, as it were.

  10. Algot says:

    Maybe it was German music supposed to be played in a-flat major…?

  11. Sue says:

    Something by Stockhausen? The same thing Beecham once stood in!!

  12. Theodore Kuch-um-"MacGyver" says:

    Couldn’t the gerbil push it out?

  13. Alistair Hinton says:

    I didn’t realise that this is how Humphrey Searle’s Put away the flutes” was supposed to go…

  14. Jim says:

    But was the girlfriend impressed?

    1. Alasdair Munro says:

      She said as he was keen on Mozart he would need to take the harp as well.

    2. Sue says:

      No, she prefers the pink oboe I’m told.

  15. Larry W says:

    The why remains the riddle of the sphincter.

  16. MrClean says:

    He probably turned around and mouthed off to the principal trumpet.

    1. Max Grimm says:

      I didn’t know John Eliot Gardiner played the trumpet…

  17. duane says:

    Sackbut anyone?

  18. Richard Carlisle says:

    What is not mentioned is his plan to hold a match to the gas when it finally exits the flute thus producing not only a flaming flute to add visual to audio but an ultimate act of chivalry considering the fact flaming farts politely lack odor.

  19. anmarie says:

    I’m sorry I even clicked on this post.

    Then again, I’m lying.

  20. Miko says:

    Stick him on a bike and you’d have the Ring Cycle.


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